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Anal Sex in Marriage – A Guest Post

It’s a beautiful evening and the kids are gone to grandma’s house.  There is a fire in the fireplace, the candles are lit, and the music is low and sultry.  You are kissing and fondling and things are quickly moving to the next level when you feel your husband’s fingers at the entrance of the forbidden zone!  Oh no, wait, that isn’t his finger at all!  As this realization hits your face, your wonderful soul-mate husband of many years leans over and whispers in your ear…”feeling adventurous?”

Ever happened to you?  Well, this scenario (with various different changes) is played out in marital beds all over.  I’ve had women to ask me why in the world their husband seems so infatuated with their bottom.  To me the answer is pretty simple.  Men get sexual gratification from sticking their member into small damp holes.  Once a man and woman are married, their bodies belong to each other.  Of course it’s only natural for a husband to think of all the places he can go with it.  The three holes that are large enough to accommodate a penis are the mouth, vagina, and anus.  A simple, mildly blunt explanation as to why a husband may be intrigued or interested in anal sex.

It would be unfair though; to say that husbands are the only ones interested in back door play.  Many women are also curious about this ‘taboo’ subject.  In my own marriage, I have always been the aggressor when it comes to anal play/sex.  I had experimented myself during some alone time and found that there really are some nerve endings at the entrance of the anus that feel so pleasurable when stimulated!  I told my husband about it and asked if he minded using a finger there from time to time during intercourse.  The results were mind-blowing orgasms that made me melt and made him feel pretty good too!

So… how does a couple know if it’s really okay to try anal sex?  I firmly believe that a married couple should feel free to try almost anything they want to in their own marriage bed.  I draw the line at involving a third party, which includes other people physically and also pornography (this could be a whole other article in itself).  A healthy marriage is between the husband, wife, and God.  I also draw the line with sex acts that will hurt or demean one of you.  If you are involved in an act that makes you feel humiliated or degraded, then that act is unhealthy for your marriage.  That is a gateway for resentment to set in.

Anal sex can be very pleasurable for some women.  (Notice I said some and not all.)  We hear about orgasms that start from the clitoris or from the G-spot, but there are many women out there who swear that they have had orgasms originating from their anus.  I believe them because it’s happened to me as well.  But for all the women who claim to love anal sex, there seem to be just as many who don’t like it at all.  For some women it seems degrading and for others it’s uncomfortable or just down right painful.  Communication is so important here.  If you are curious about it, then TALK to your spouse!  Ask them how they feel about trying some anal play.  Find out if he/she is uncomfortable with the idea.  Discuss any concerns openly with each other.  There are some possible medical issues that could result from participating in anal sex, including infection and damage to the rectum, so it would be wise to research this together before deciding on trying it. If you find that your concerns and uneasiness outweigh the curiosity and eagerness, then you probably need to stop and back up a bit.  If you and your spouse have researched this topic and feel like it is something you’d like to try together, then here are a few things to keep in mind.

  • You need to start small with a pinky finger or similar sized toy and gradually work your way up to the size of the husband’s penis.  You may find that you can’t accommodate your husband’s penis but you do like the feel of his index finger.
  • STOP if you get to something that hurts. DO NOT try to “push past the pain.”  If there is pain it’s there for a reason and should be taken as a warning.  You are looking for sexual pleasure, not something that hurts you.
  • There is no such thing as too much lube. Use copious amounts of it, all over you and your husband.  Use the amount you think you’ll need, and then add some more.
  • Go slow and let her be in charge. Let her choose the position that she likes and allow her to set the pace.  It may take several minutes for her to be able to handle the full monty, so be patient and wait until she is ready for more.  Short, slow strokes are best to start off with.

You may wonder how in the world anal sex can deepen intimacy in marriage.  Over the last few years I’ve heard many stories of this, including one woman who wrote to me explaining how she had been sexually active with several other men before marrying her husband.  In her marriage, anal sex was a very intimate and bonding act for the simple reason that she had never had anal sex with any other man.  Her promiscuous past included vaginal sex with other men, but they both knew that the only man she had ever had anal intercourse with was her husband.  Thus, it became a very intimate act between them.

Like all other sex acts, this is a decision that is left up to each individual couple.  Anal sex isn’t for everyone.  It’s not the be-all end-all sex act.  It’s simply one out of hundreds of things that a married couple should feel free to try, if they both want to.  If both of you aren’t on the same page about it, then choose another book.  It shouldn’t be a divisive issue.  So communicate, research, and make a decision together.  And above all, have fun!

cumingirl

Cumingirl is a devoted wife and full time mom of two living in the USA.  She is one of the co-creators of www.christiannymphos.org.  Their website is considered by many to be groundbreaking in its ability to intertwine sex and the Christian faith.  The site was launched as a way to teach married women to walk in sexual freedom with their husbands.

Isolation

The other day I was having coffee with another one of the moms from my daughter’s school. She mentioned that she and her husband had moved to the area shortly after her daughter was born. Struggling to balance all the responsibilities that are part and parcel of being the primary caregiver to a newborn, she would go to the grocery store just to have human contact. Inevitably, this would be when the child would start to cry, and Mom would leave so that she didn’t have to endure the caustic glances from strangers. In fact, she didn’t find any friends in the area until her daughter started preschool and she connected with one of the other moms. Surprisingly, I have heard many, many stories similar to this one.

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The sense of isolation is particularly profound when dealing with sexual issues. Despite the fact that we are besieged by media images about sex, talking about the “nitty-gritties” of our personal experiences is still very taboo. And so we fall into the trap of thinking that we are the only ones who deal with X, or put up with Y, or are hiding the secret of Z. Compounding this misconception is the belief that the ubiquitous “they” have a better sex life than we do. Allow me to burst that bubble for you. I have never met a couple who has a phenomenal sex life all the time. Despite our best intentions, life just gets in the way.

No matter what is impeding the sex life that you have always dreamed of, you are not alone. There are other women who are allergic to lubricants, hate having sex because they were molested as a child, are fearful that sexual odors will be a turnoff to their partner, would rather sleep than have sex, have husbands who are less interested in sex than they are, have never had an orgasm — the list goes on and on. Resources exist to help the situation you are in right now.

Realizing that you are not alone is the first step. Getting the right resources is the second. But there is a third, equally important step. When I speak to groups of women, I encourage them to broach the subject amongst themselves – a support group of sorts. I won’t always be there for them, but now that we have “broken the seal” on the subject, I encourage them to continue to talk about the issue. I don’t mean in such a way that embarrasses your husband or belittles your relationship with him.  Remember that talking about an issue is different than just talking about your husband.  However, talking together breaks the sense of isolation, and when this is broken, we can get the help we need to make our sexual relationship thrive.

Believe me when I say that each of us privately struggles with the question of if, how and when our secret anxieties should be divulged to friends.  But stepping out of fear is the premise behind trust.  Ironically, it is the fear of being different (isolation) that keeps us isolated.  Letting go of that fear is the risk we must take in order to forge the connections that sustain life and give it richness.

Recently, I was speaking to a group of ladies. After my talk, when all the other ladies had moved on to the delicious food and drink that was being served, one woman snuck back in to see me. She was obviously very nervous even though it was just the two of us, and it took her several minutes to work up the courage to say what was on her mind. Finally, she got it out. “You know, talking about this stuff was taboo years ago. If I had known then what you just told me, I might still be married.”   I, like her, was utterly heartbroken by that thought.  What a tragic consequence of silence that is unfortunately repeated over and over by women leading lives of quiet desperation, believing they are alone.

Isolation is a killer. Your marriage doesn’t have to be a victim.