The Greatest Gift

When was the last time you told your children how much you love your spouse?

That’s right.

When was the last time you looked your kids in the eyes and said, “I am so in love with your Dad [or Mom]“?

Are you terrified that they will feel unloved? Are you nervous that they will fall over themselves and say, “Ahhhh, that’s gross!!” Would they be totally confused? What holds you back?

Recently, I had to explain the concept of divorce to my daughter. Our goddaughter is part of a blended family, and so when my daughter asked some probing questions about them, I decided to answer honestly (but with brevity since she is only five). Many of Riley’s schoolmates come from single-parent households, but this was the first time she connected the dots with someone who is really close to our family.

The sadness that Riley felt was palpable. She didn’t understand how two people could marry and then divorce. It was incomprehensible to her that you would not live with the father of your child. In fact, she was so disturbed by the concept that she had another heart-to-heart with her teacher that day at school. I wish we were all so disturbed by divorce. The impact on a family is truly nothing less than devastating.

Kids live with the fear that their mom and dad will split up. This is understandable. They see it on TV (in one of Riley’s favourite shows, the dad is conspicuously absent). It is happening to their friends all around them. Why wouldn’t they wonder if they are next?

I believe that one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids is love for your spouse. Your marital happiness is the foundation of your family unit. And your kids need to hear about it. They need to know that you go on dates because your relationship with each other is precious. They need to see you flirt and cuddle and laugh. They need to hear that you love each other.

I don’t care if you are on your first, second or third marriage…if you are committed to making it work, then talk about how much you love your spouse around your kids.

“Riley, I love your Daddy.”

“Yeah, I know Mom. You tell me that all the time.”

Perhaps she will appreciate it more when she marries. Until then, I will have to keep modeling it for her.

Sex is Like Typing

Today I converted. Mac has been proselytizing long and hard and has finally won my heart. Perhaps I fell in love the trendy guy who plays Mac in the commercials on TV. Perhaps it is because so many of my friends have Macs. Perhaps it is that every time I sit in my husband’s office, I get jealous because he has a Mac and I do not.

For the last year or so, my husband and I have had an on going discussion about a new computer. It was not a question of “if” but “when”. My laptop was far too old. And while age in and of itself was not enough reason for me to go through the pain of moving my life from one computer to another, the fact that it took 7 minutes to boot up was grating severely on my nerves. (Yes, I timed it.) So, the question turned to the type of computer I would get. I was angling for a Mac, but my husband declared that I was not “Mac Worthy”. I felt like I was stuck in an old Seinfield episode. You know the one…”sponge worthy”.

It is true that I do not do the incredibly tech-y things that Mac is designed for. I am not designing websites; I am writing copy. I am not editing graphics; I am sketching my ideas by hand. All the people who design my sites and edit my graphics have Macs. Technically, I don’t NEED one.

But Macs are sexy. And fast. And you can shut the cover without turning off the entire computer.

Finally, my husband and I came to a compromise. We have a friend who has a lightly-used Mac laptop, and we would buy it off of him. I get the benefits of a Mac without the full weight of the price tag.

So today, I am typing on a new keyboard and getting used to its nuances. I choose the smaller computer intentionally so that I can take it with me on the road. (There is nothing worse than having an idea for a blog and writing it on a scrap of paper that inevitably gets lost.) The downside to a smaller computer is that the keyboard is slightly smaller as well. And I am finding that the “Y” key is sticking a bit. I have to hit it a bit harder to get it to work. But everything else is rainbows and unicorns - just like they promise it will be on the commercials!  All of this reminds me of an illustration I use when teaching clients about sexuality.

Sex is like typing.

If your goal is to be a phenomenal lover, it takes time, practice and feedback to learn how to hit the right keys at the right time to get the desired outcome. If you are not getting feedback, you won’t be a good typist. If you don’t practice, you won’t be a good typist. Our bodies are a lot like this keyboard.

But, let’s change up the illustration a bit. In real life, our “keyboard” actually changes over time. Sometimes, only a couple keys are out of place. If they are keys that we don’t use often such a “q” or “x”, it will probably take us a while to notice. But if the “a” or the “t” suddenly moved places, we will take heed immediately. If someone switched our normal keyboard for a Dvorak keyboard on us, we would probably come unglued.

In our sex lives, we need to realize that change is inevitable. What worked in your sex life when you got married might not work after you have had kids and will most likely not work after menopause. Throw in a chronic illness or job loss or depression and you are getting calls from a completely different playbook altogether.

You can approach these changes in a couple ways:

1. You realize that change is bound to happen and so you shore up your communication skills. That way, when change does come, you have a way to express your needs to your spouse and sort through the challenges together.
2. You can get all pissy and pout about the drain of kids, or getting older, or whatever else is bothering you - with all that free time you’re going to have when you stop having sex altogether.

You get to choose. Do you want to be reactive or proactive?

One last thought. Think of all the new things you will get to try as you take your new “keyboard” out for a whirl over the years. The very fact that change is inevitable forces us to get out of the rut we have fallen in, look at our spouse through new lenses, and learn about each other in a deeper way. This process, when done well, builds incredible intimacy.

Me? I am embracing change today. Good-bye, PC, I will not miss thee.  I’ll learn to live with a sticky Y key.  Worst-case scenario is that I type in “sexy” and only get “sex” on the page.  And getting sex when you weren’t expecting it ain’t all bad!!

You are now free to move about the country

Last month, my mother-in-law (who has never been in the military) pulled the most brilliant of sneak attacks on us. As she was chatting away with my five-year old on Skype video, she said very casually asked, “Are you coming to Texas to spend your summer with me? You are old enough to fly by yourself now.” My daughter was instantly bouncing off the walls, announcing to everyone in sight that she was flying to Texas for the whole summer. To her, it was a done deal.

Needless to say, I was less than thrilled.  I gave my mother-in-law big props for using all the leverage she could manage in the situation because, while it annoyed me, I probably would have done the exact same thing if I had been in her shoes. However, I was a little ticked that my daughter would be so quick to be ecstatic about leaving me for such a long time, although Eric and I have worked long and hard to encourage her sense of independence.  Most of all though, I felt fear.  A lot of fear.

What if the plane crashed? What if she got lost??? What if something happened during the flight and Riley needed help? What if….??? What if…???

As I tend to tackle problems analytically, I worked through each level of fear logically. I reminded myself that statistically, Riley is in more danger in my car than an airplane. It just has the illusion of safety because we do it all the time. I called the airlines and was assured that a child is never without the company of a responsible adult at every point of the trip. As for my other fears, they were addressed by the fact that Riley is incredibly good at verbalizing her requests and needs and superb at entertaining herself. (I do feel sorry for the person who gets seated next to her, because she does like to have lengthy conversations with adults.)

But all that logic didn’t make me feel any better. I wasn’t any closer to making a decision about whether I could let her go. All the answers to my own questions just sounded like excuses, contrived to trick me into letting my daughter do a very foolish thing. But something was niggling in me to keep thinking about the issue.

So when logic couldn’t help me, I went to my values. What do I really value for Riley? What type of woman do I want to raise her to be? The answers came easily.

• A sense of adventure.
• Independence.
• A deep bond with her grandmother.

How does a child learn to value adventure? She has to experience it. How does a child become independent? She has to practice being on her own and realizing that she is capable. And how does a child form a deep bond with her grandmother who lives over 3,000 miles away? She has to actually spend time with her. And time without Mom and Dad hovering close by.

It was at that point in my thought process that I realized that my values must be reflected in my actions not just in my words. If I say these values are important to me, but I refuse - out of my own fear - to allow Riley to take the necessary steps to ingrain these values in her life, I am just spouting off verbiage to make myself look good. After all, what parent ever proudly boasts, “I want my daughter to be completely dependent on others her whole life” or “I want my daughter to live her life bound up in fear of the unknown” or “I don’t want my daughter to bond with her grandmother” (unless, of course, grandma is unhealthy for her)???  No one says these things - yet it is so easy to do the things that lead to them if we aren’t careful.

The concept of values and actions comes into play in our sex lives as well. If what we say we value is different that what we actually do, then we need to pay heed to that disconnect.

Let’s say that we profess that a frequent sex life is important, but sex just never seems to happen. We get really busy during the day with the kids and so we are too tired at night. It looks really good on the surface - makes us appear to be phenomenal parents because we give so much to our kids. But is pouring into our kids an excuse to avoid intimacy?

Here’s another one. Perhaps our dirty little secret is that Lost, or The Bachelor or Leno is more important to us that bonding with our spouses. It’s just so easy to leave that TV on instead of interacting together. Ultimately, TV demands a lot less of us.

Here’s an exercise for you. Sometime this week, take a piece of paper and draw a line down the center. Label one side as “values” and the other as “actions”. Values reflect what you believe to be important and actions are what you actually do. If there is a disconnect between the two, then write down two new actions that you can take this week to support your values. If your actions and values are way out of alignment, then pick two actions to do each week until you find the situation rectified.

Just so you know, Riley is booked to visit her grandmother in Texas this summer. Since this is the first year of travel alone, we are starting out with three weeks. I am still fearful. I do, however, wholeheartedly believe that my responsibility as a parent is to confront my own fears for the growth of my child. It is not easy, but the values I hold are too precious to be held hostage by fear.

How to determine what is right/wrong in the bedroom

In this short Q&A, Eryn-Faye, Canada’s Passion Coach, answers an audience member’s question about how to determine what is “right” or “wrong” in the marriage bed. As this clip is a short cut-in from a longer segment, we do want to emphasize that obvious physical health concerns play an important role regarding any decision a person makes.

Download this file as a .mov file for your Quick Time player OR as a .m4v file for your ipod OR as a .mp3 file to listen to the audio on itunes

Anal Sex in Marriage - A Guest Post

It’s a beautiful evening and the kids are gone to grandma’s house.  There is a fire in the fireplace, the candles are lit, and the music is low and sultry.  You are kissing and fondling and things are quickly moving to the next level when you feel your husband’s fingers at the entrance of the forbidden zone!  Oh no, wait, that isn’t his finger at all!  As this realization hits your face, your wonderful soul-mate husband of many years leans over and whispers in your ear…”feeling adventurous?”

Ever happened to you?  Well, this scenario (with various different changes) is played out in marital beds all over.  I’ve had women to ask me why in the world their husband seems so infatuated with their bottom.  To me the answer is pretty simple.  Men get sexual gratification from sticking their member into small damp holes.  Once a man and woman are married, their bodies belong to each other.  Of course it’s only natural for a husband to think of all the places he can go with it.  The three holes that are large enough to accommodate a penis are the mouth, vagina, and anus.  A simple, mildly blunt explanation as to why a husband may be intrigued or interested in anal sex.

It would be unfair though; to say that husbands are the only ones interested in back door play.  Many women are also curious about this ‘taboo’ subject.  In my own marriage, I have always been the aggressor when it comes to anal play/sex.  I had experimented myself during some alone time and found that there really are some nerve endings at the entrance of the anus that feel so pleasurable when stimulated!  I told my husband about it and asked if he minded using a finger there from time to time during intercourse.  The results were mind-blowing orgasms that made me melt and made him feel pretty good too!

So… how does a couple know if it’s really okay to try anal sex?  I firmly believe that a married couple should feel free to try almost anything they want to in their own marriage bed.  I draw the line at involving a third party, which includes other people physically and also pornography (this could be a whole other article in itself).  A healthy marriage is between the husband, wife, and God.  I also draw the line with sex acts that will hurt or demean one of you.  If you are involved in an act that makes you feel humiliated or degraded, then that act is unhealthy for your marriage.  That is a gateway for resentment to set in.

Anal sex can be very pleasurable for some women.  (Notice I said some and not all.)  We hear about orgasms that start from the clitoris or from the G-spot, but there are many women out there who swear that they have had orgasms originating from their anus.  I believe them because it’s happened to me as well.  But for all the women who claim to love anal sex, there seem to be just as many who don’t like it at all.  For some women it seems degrading and for others it’s uncomfortable or just down right painful.  Communication is so important here.  If you are curious about it, then TALK to your spouse!  Ask them how they feel about trying some anal play.  Find out if he/she is uncomfortable with the idea.  Discuss any concerns openly with each other.  There are some possible medical issues that could result from participating in anal sex, including infection and damage to the rectum, so it would be wise to research this together before deciding on trying it. If you find that your concerns and uneasiness outweigh the curiosity and eagerness, then you probably need to stop and back up a bit.  If you and your spouse have researched this topic and feel like it is something you’d like to try together, then here are a few things to keep in mind.

• You need to start small with a pinky finger or similar sized toy and gradually work your way up to the size of the husband’s penis.  You may find that you can’t accommodate your husband’s penis but you do like the feel of his index finger.
• STOP if you get to something that hurts. DO NOT try to “push past the pain.”  If there is pain it’s there for a reason and should be taken as a warning.  You are looking for sexual pleasure, not something that hurts you.
• There is no such thing as too much lube. Use copious amounts of it, all over you and your husband.  Use the amount you think you’ll need, and then add some more.
• Go slow and let her be in charge. Let her choose the position that she likes and allow her to set the pace.  It may take several minutes for her to be able to handle the full monty, so be patient and wait until she is ready for more.  Short, slow strokes are best to start off with.

You may wonder how in the world anal sex can deepen intimacy in marriage.  Over the last few years I’ve heard many stories of this, including one woman who wrote to me explaining how she had been sexually active with several other men before marrying her husband.  In her marriage, anal sex was a very intimate and bonding act for the simple reason that she had never had anal sex with any other man.  Her promiscuous past included vaginal sex with other men, but they both knew that the only man she had ever had anal intercourse with was her husband.  Thus, it became a very intimate act between them.

Like all other sex acts, this is a decision that is left up to each individual couple.  Anal sex isn’t for everyone.  It’s not the be-all end-all sex act.  It’s simply one out of hundreds of things that a married couple should feel free to try, if they both want to.  If both of you aren’t on the same page about it, then choose another book.  It shouldn’t be a divisive issue.  So communicate, research, and make a decision together.  And above all, have fun!

Cumingirl is a devoted wife and full time mom of two living in the USA.  She is one of the co-creators of www.christiannymphos.org.  Their website is considered by many to be groundbreaking in its ability to intertwine sex and the Christian faith.  The site was launched as a way to teach married women to walk in sexual freedom with their husbands.

What’s All the BUZZ About?

From pre-engaged individuals to those with over 30 years of marriage - people always seem to have the same questions when it comes to the “taboo” subject of bedroom toys.  And so many don’t know where to go for the answers. But now it’s finally here!  Eryn-Faye’s first behind the scenes e-book focused specifically on Bedroom Toys.

From the perspective that only Canada’s Passion Coach can bring, Eryn-Faye targets the questions you are asking with the answers you are seeking. Eryn-Faye covers it all - from the basics of what a bedroom toy is (and isn’t) to how to talk about them with your lover.

With her trademark humor and frankness, she broaches topics you care about - Are they dirty?  Can I get addicted to them?  Why would I even want one? It’s all in there.  Wondering if you (or your lover) will become “unnecessary”?  She covers that too.

From communication skills to the infamous “walk of shame” when leaving an adult bookstore - Eryn-Faye deals with all of it. The Top 8 Questions Couples Ask About Bedroom Toys are all in here.

Isn’t it time you stopped wondering and started knowing?

You can purchase What’s All the BUZZ About for just $5 USD.

Simply click the Add to Cart button to purchase this exciting eBook!

What gets you most aroused?

Top Ten Technology Flirts

Yesterday was a crazy day. You know the type where you have to carry a colour-coded schedule just to make it through the day without doing something foolish like, well, forgetting your kid at school??? (Don’t laugh too hard. We did that earlier this week) It was bonkers. Eric and I were flying in different directions, Riley had places to be and needs to be met. We ended the day flopped on the bed together, eating pizza and watching a kid’s movie about enchanted princesses and undying love.

After we put Riley to bed, Eric and I ventured downstairs with ambitious plans to work some more. This is one of the significant pitfalls of working from home. The lines between work and home life get completely blurred and it becomes exceedingly easy to work all the time. There is no such thing as a 9-5 work schedule. That could be a blog post in and of its own!

But on this occasion, we were just too tired to work. Instead, we ended up sitting right next to each other with our computers out. Then we found each other on Facebook. And we starting flirting. Outrageously. Which led to hearty laughter. Then our friends and family started to chime in on the discussion and we giggled even more. At last count, we were up to 32 comments and one “like”. I’m not sure what the record for comments on Facebook is - I am sure that we fell far short of that record - but that was a lot for us!

This interaction led me to think: who is your spouse flirting with on Facebook today? If it’s not you, there is a problem. This is a skill set you might want to pick up.

Realizing that this is a significant issue, I consulted one of my techy guru friends for his hottest tips on ways to use technology to flirt with your spouse.  Around here we call him JDog.  I think you’ll find him to be as refreshing and enlightening as we do.

J-Dog’s Top Ten List:

J-Dog’s Note: Ok, so Eryn-Faye asked me to come up with ten ways to flirt using technology, and I thought, “Oh, that’s easy!” Turns out that with the steady march of this thing we call ‘convergence’, the lines between various technologies are becoming less and less clear. Some of these suggestions will obviously cross over to others, and some won’t as much. The one commonality should be creativity - as long as you can think of something fun and creative to say to your lover, the technology can help you convey that message. I managed to come up with ten, although the last one is illegal, so don’t do it, ok?

Also, I’ll add the standard disclaimer that I’m a guy, and in spite my attempt to balance this with tips for both sexes, my own biases will show. Whatever.

1. Texting. Most people have mobile phones these days, and many couples each have their own. Texting is usually free, especially between family members (check your rate plan before going crazy with the texts, though!). Send your spouse a short, badly-spelled note informing them of just how hot you think they are. If you’re female, include details about your underwear. While this is quite effective if they are at work, it can be even more fun to do when you’re in the same room as each other. It’s a very good way to build the sexual tension between you when you’re at a party, for example.

A sub-genre of this is known as ’sexting’, and is generally more risqué (and risky!) and involves sending sexy photos of yourself to your spouse’s cellphone or email. A couple things to keep in mind if you want to try this are that you shouldn’t be stupid and include pictures of your face, because it’s pretty much guaranteed these pictures will not remain entirely private (especially if the recipient is a guy!). Also, be very careful when selecting the recipient from your address book, as a slip of the finger on that tiny keypad means the wrong person gets to see your naughty bits! Again, check your rate plan to make sure it’s not going to bankrupt you to send that picture.

If you don’t have a mobile to send text from, most carriers allow you to send texts from their website, or via email. For example, for Telus Mobility customers, you’d send an email to tendigitmobilenumber@msg.telus.com. Check your carrier’s website for details on how to do this.

2. Skype. This would include other kinds of real-time text chat as well, such as MSN, Yahoo! Chat, or Google Chat. Whatever network you both use, put it to good use by turning up the heat now and then. If you are apart from each other during the day, try to get online at the same time now and then, and just talk about how much you love each other, or how much you miss them. Tell him about your underwear. If your network of choice supports video, use it! It’s amazing what a turn on it is just to see your lover’s face while you talk to them. And if you have the opportunity, live video can spice things up in other ways too!

3. Music. It’s long been known that music is a great way to romance a woman. Dudes, fire up iTunes and buy her a gift card or use the Gift This function to send a specific song directly to her inbox. Browse the Latin and Jazz genres, or find a new mix of one of your old favourites. Girls, just send him a song about underwear. There’s lots on there, trust me.

4. Twitter. You can say a lot in 140 characters or less. Tweet about your lover. Let your followers know how much you appreciate them. Just for fun, start a hashtag with their name, and use it lots. And use the private message capabilities to add some spice!

5. Facebook. Eryn-Faye mentioned this one in her post, and I have to say it was a lot of fun watching that conversation go on! Facebook is a great way to publicly flirt with your lover, and letting your friends inject their own humour into the process can result in some hilarious moments. Use your status updates to brag about how great your spouse is - making oblique references to their sexual prowess not only tells them you think they are ‘all that’, but it is a great self esteem booster to have one’s praises sung in public. Doesn’t hurt the libido, either - which is what we’re going for here!

6. Telephone. Sure, it’s old-school, but sometimes, it’s just what the doctor ordered. The ability to hear your lover in real-time, with no delays, jitter, or dropped packets can be very refreshing. Call her up and let them know exactly what you’d like to do with her when you get home. Or, call him up and tell him about your underwear.

7. Voicemail. If your lover works in an office, you can call the switchboard and ask the receptionist to transfer you directly to their voicemail, rather than ringing their extension. This way, you can leave them a surprise message - be sure to preface it with “Darling, please make sure your speakerphone is off”!

8. Email. Even those of us without mobile phones have access to email, and this can be put to great use in the flirting game. Guidelines involve not using corporate email accounts for naughty exchanges (get a gmail account - it’s free, already!), and remembering to be careful about sending incriminating photos. Underwear shots are great, as long as your face isn’t visible.

9. Video. The availability of video recording technology such as camcorders, cell phones, and webcams means that it’s easier than ever to create a visual delight for your lover. This can be a lot of fun, especially because it’s so very ‘naughty’. You know what makes your lover tick, so include those things in your video. As with other forms of electronic flirting, it’s very important that you ensure the privacy of your material: no faces or identifiable markings such as tattoos; don’t use workplace networks to send private files (most log everything, and copies can be made for auditors or investigators upon request); and make sure that your personal computer is secure, both from outside penetration (hur, hur) as well as from family members (especially children, for heaven’s sake!). I would suggest getting PGP encryption keys and using them to lock all your private files.

10. Hack one of those roadside construction signs with the big digital displays. Replace the warning message about the bridge washing out or whatever with something that tells passersby how amazing awesome your lover is. You have fewer characters than Twitter, here - so use shorthand! And wear gloves so you don’t leave fingerprints, ok? I’m just sayin’…

As with all types of flirting, it’s important to remember that the most effective methods will employ your lover’s Love Language. Once you have that figured out, technology and gadgets can really help you push those buttons!

Eryn-Faye’s note: Ladies, for what it’s worth, underwear seems to be a consistent theme!

Consummation 101

Welcome back to class.  This will be our last day of class before you “graduate”.  Feel free to have a big party tonight, but don’t pass out invitations in class unless you are inviting everyone!

But before we get too far into the celebration mode, let’s not forget that we do have a class today.  And yes, as promised, this really will focus on the sexual aspect of relationships.  No guys, if you have been diligently and patiently doing all the homework with your lady, then today’s lesson is truly well earned.  If you have sulked through class doing the bare minimums…well, then quid pro quo should not surprise you in the least.  You get what you give…

That being said, ladies - those of you who think that communication is the end-all-be-all of intimacy and understanding each other, I point you to a universally respected philosopher, Plato who said:

You can learn more from someone in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.

Not the kind of thing you would expect to hear from the guy who wrote The Republic and lectured on metaphysics in ancient Greece is it?  But it is true.

Now, I have already received quite a few emails in anticipation of this particular article.  My favorite was a simple, short question that said, “Are you teaching how to have sex?”  This is a question that I get asked all the time - especially in social settings when somebody blurts out that I am a “passion coach for sex”.  There is that awkward silence where people take that in and process it.  I usually take a deep breath and try to explain why that statement is as wrong as it is right, but someone always asks the question, “do you teach people how to have sex?”

The short of it is of course, no.  This article is not going to be a “tab A - slot B” diagram.   The underlying cause in the dramatic rise in sexless marriages in North America is not a lack of understanding of how a penis and vagina connect together.  I have yet to have anyone come to me for help and say, “I keep hearing about this thing called sex, but I have no idea what it is or how it works.”

No, for most of us, sex gets lost in the clutter of daily life, or set aside because of physical or emotional issues.   And yet physical intimacy is as important to a strong relationship as commitment and communication.  And yes, I did just switch terms from sex to physical intimacy.  They are slightly synonymous.  Sex is always physical intimacy, but physical intimacy is not always sex.

Easy guys, I am not going to say that a good cuddle can take the place of sex on a daily basis.  I don’t believe that.  But I do think both are important.  One of the issues that we face in North American culture today is that we have become so focused on goal achievement.  Now, usually this is a very good thing.  But often our greatest strength can also be our greatest weakness.  In a sexual relationship “finishing” the task at hand as quickly and efficiently as possible is not the best approach.  (the occasional “quickie” notwithstanding of course, but a healthy relationship cannot exist only on “quickies”)

Remember back to the beginning of your relationship.  Was there a time when you couldn’t wait to have sex?  All you wanted to do was run your hands all over your lover’s body and explore every inch of them?  When simply stroking their skin would lurch you both to an almost overwhelming physical response?  When you would kiss for hours because you weren’t sure the two of you were ready to take the physical further?

Physical relationships always start somewhere.  Sitting next to someone and your legs touch.  Reaching for something at the same time and your fingers brush against each another’s.  Somewhere along the way all this accidental touching changes to be more intentional.   One of you, maybe both of you at the same time, reaches for the other’s hand - and you never stop holding hands after that.

The first hug - maybe stilted and done with one arm.  The eventually that becomes a two armed hug where you lean into each other and shoulders connect but a little kid could still walk between you while you hug.  And finally, there comes the full-frontal embrace.  Arms around each other, heads tilt to opposite angles and rest on each other shoulders.  Neck touches neck.  Chest touches chest.  Belly to belly, thigh to thigh and hands move slowly up and down the back - longing to go just a little lower.

Then the first kiss.  Maybe it starts as cheeks touching and you make a little kissing noise as you do it (how very European of you).  Then it will proceed to a quick lip to lip that barely gives you time to pucker, but you think about it for hours afterwards.  Eventually you work up to that first real kiss.  It might not last for hours - maybe it is under the porch light at the end of a great date.  The first real kiss.  You are looking right at each other and your eyes keep moving from their eyes to their lips, like an unspoken ask for permission.  Then you begin the long slow movement forward as you both realize that this is going to happen.  Your lips part just as you come together and your eyes close as you give yourself over to “the kiss.”

Once that seal is broken you are kissing all the time.  You find excuses to be together just so you can kiss again.   You can be on the phone together for hours, not talking, because all you really want to do is be close to them - and when you are, talking is not the highest priority on your list.

Remember those days?  Back then we were not in a sprint to the finish line.  Sure, we probably wanted to speed things up a bit, but we were never rushed.   And yet today we are overwhelmed with activities and responsibilities and physical intimacy doesn’t get the prioritization it deserves.  Ironically, it is often the very fact that we know we can “get it” anytime that induces us to put it off - often to the point that we never do.

We have to reprioritize our lives.  If we want our relationship to grow and thrive, and not be satisfied with it simply continuing to exist, then we need to get back to the basics.  Let’s build on the foundation that we have.  Those feelings and activities might be buried under years and years of distractions and actions, but if you dig down, you will find that foundation.

Yes, I understand that you are busy, that your life is hectic and that you run at a frantic pace.  I understand that you have kids and they have some kind of built in amorous radar that forces them to suddenly need your attention if you and your lover so much as exchange a meaningful gaze.  But I also know that your sex life is important.  That it needs and deserves time and attention.  You deserve some time and attention.

So find some alone time.  Call into work sick one day and stay in bed - together.  Get up REALLY early and learn to explore each other again.  Find a friend to watch the kids for a night - or even for a few hours.  Trade off with another couple - each of you can watch the other’s kids while you go out (or stay in) once a month.

And get back to basics.  When was the last time you climbed on the bed and kissed deeply and lost track of time in each other’s embrace?  When was the last time you gave each other an hour long sensual massage - making sure to touch every single part of your lover’s body?

My husband once told me that he had a basketball coach who enforced a very strict rule.  Every time they brought the ball down court, they had to pass the ball 4 times minimum before they were allowed to shoot.  Sounds crazy doesn’t it?  What if there was an open shot?  What if they had an easy lay-up?  Didn’t matter.  The rule was 4 passes first.  I will admit that I don’t know enough about basketball to understand his rationale, but I am going to steal his concept anyway.  Next time you have sex, put this rule in place:  No vaginal penetration and no orgasms for either of you until you have both gotten fully naked, kissed deeply for at least 10 minutes and touched every part of each other’s bodies.  This is not a fast break play (to stay with the basketball analogy).  You have to intentionally build up to sex.  Nothing is to be rushed along.

Here’s a quick quiz for you:

Men: do you know what it takes for your lover to have multiple orgasms?  Wouldn’t it be great to find out?  If she has had them before with you, what is the highest number of them she has ever had (and can you beat that number)?

Women: do you know how long your lover’s refractory period is? (The refractory period is the recovery phase after orgasm during which it is physiologically impossible for a man to have additional orgasms. It is also sometimes explained as the time immediately following orgasm during which a man cannot achieve an erection.)  The best part is that there is only one way to find out the answer to this particular question…

If you are going to commit to focusing on your sex life, start first by focusing on having sex.  But focus on the full experience of it - from initial arousal through the complete build up to each person’s orgasms, then (to steal a line from hair care products) rinse and repeat.  Make physical intimacy a priority - yes, that means that something else will be pushed down the priority list.  Then schedule ahead specific times where sexual intimacy becomes THE PRIORITY.   Plan ahead.   I know, scheduling sex might not sound  like the spontaneous love making that everyone on TV is having, but it is simply to help you gain perspective on its importance.  You aren’t scheduling the sex - just the time for it.  The sex can still be spontaneous, and in fact it should be.  If you schedule one night a month where you will have long, uninterrupted time for sex, then switch back and forth on who plans it.  Talk in between times about what you like and don’t like.  What you have tried and what you haven’t (but secretly always wanted to).  Find new favorite positions or fantasies.  Have some fun.

I have coached many many people who lost the fun in sex.  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the statement, “sex just isn’t fun anymore.”  Don’t be afraid to laugh together in the bedroom, or the kitchen table or the shower or wherever you decide to consummate your relationship again.  Sex is fun.

If you have gotten this far in the class, then you understand how integral commitment and communication are to a relationship - now you’ll find out how consummation interweaves with them as well.  None of them are complete without all of them.

So go - kiss, hug, stroke, have sex.  You heard me.  Go on.  And, maybe you shouldn’t invite anyone else to your graduation party after all.  

Communication 101

OK kids!   How did your time together go?  Did you recreate your first date?  Did you go the Happy Camper route?  Did you check out the airport and watch planes come in?  Whatever you did, the point was spending time together - quality time together.  I hope that you did, and hope that you will share some of that with us all in the comments, so we can all learn together!

Alright, this is school, so put your books away, clean off your desks, get out a clean piece of paper and let’s take a pop quiz!  True or False. 50/50 chance of getting it wrong right.  (These questions and the follow up information come from Michele Weiner-Davis’ “The Marriage Breakthrough” seminar © 2001.  Used with permission.)

1. Conflict and Anger are signs that your relationship is failing.

False All relationships are subject to rocky ups and downs.  Many people feel that their marriage/relationship is doomed because they argue.  THIS IS NOT THE CASE.  Passionate people are passionate in all areas.  Some of the most passionate people in the bedroom have some of the most passionate arguments.  I worry more about relationships where the two people “never argue”.  That can be indicative of a sexless marriage as well - one with no passion anywhere in it.  How we resolve conflict and how we fight are much more important indicators.  When Eric and I went through pre-marital counseling one of the greatest tips we were given was to set the ground-rules for how we would fight.  We were not so naïve as to believe that we would not fight, so we had to agree up front to fight fair, and we set strict rules about what we could and could not do or say in an argument.  We have lived by those rules and updated them constantly as we change and grow.

2. You’re more likely to divorce if there are differences in your beliefs, backgrounds or interests

False Research shows that people who remain happily married are not necessarily more similar to each other than those who divorce.  They just learn effective ways of managing their differences and nurturing the things they do have in common.  So all that talk about “how can we stay together when we’re so different” or “we need to get a divorce because we’ve grown apart” is complete bunk.  When Eric was growing up he always assumed that he would marry a good little Texan girl who grew up trained to be a Southern Belle, and loved to cook, clean and sew.  I can tell you honestly, he was 0-fer on those.  Our compatibility had very little to do with how much we had in common.  I didn’t even like the Dallas Cowboys when we met - and that was borderline heretical!

3. In healthy relationships, major disagreements get resolved over time.

False Research tells us that approximately 60% of what couples argue about is un-resolvable.  The issues couples disagree about in the beginning of their relationship are the same things they disagree about years down the road.  What does change is the way in which they handle their disagreements.  (if you have trained them right, the men just give in over time)  Ok, I kid about that part.  The true nature of maturity, both as an individual and as a couple, is developing and growing our ability to appropriately and effectively handle issues and conflict - not our ability to avoid them.  Shumley Boteach (Host of “Shalom in the Home”) has said, “wrestling with our humanity is the very stuff of living.  In life, righteousness is defined not through perfection, but rather through struggle.  It is our endeavor to try and to do the right thing amid a predilection to do otherwise that makes us unique, not the fact that we always choose the right thing.”

4. Couples should have a shared definition of what it means to be loving.

False Too often people tell themselves, “If you loved me you would feel the same way I do about _________.”  Everyone communicates differently.  There is nothing better about one form of communication over another.  The trick is to learn HOW to hear what the other is saying.  Gary Chapman wrote the groundbreaking book on the “5 Love Languages”.  In summary he explains that there are 5 ways we can communicate our love, and while all of us can do each one of them there is often a primary way that we prefer to have love communicated to us.

The 5 languages are:

Words of Affirmation
Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”  Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully to persons whose primary Love Language is “Words of Affirmation.”  Simple statements, such as, “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved.

Quality Time
Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared.

Receiving Gifts
Some mates respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of love and devotion. People who speak this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their mate. Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn.

Acts of Service
Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy.  Doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your mate.

Physical Touch
Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical touch can make or break the relationship.

Sexual intercourse makes many mates feel secure and loved in a marriage. However, it is only one dialect of physical touch. Many parts of the body are extremely sensitive to stimulation. It is important to discover how your partner not only physically responds but also psychologically responds to these touches.

Ok.  Turn in your quizzes.

How did you do?  It’s ok no matter what you scored - you’re here to learn right?  You know what I really love about the 5 Love Languages?  They are all the basics that you can see in any school setting through the innocence of children.  Let’s go to the playground for recess and you can see what I am talking about.

Words of Affirmation are always found on the playground.  Little Johnny can tell Suzie that her dress is awful pretty, or that he likes he curls, or he can tell her how impressed he is that she can run faster than any boy in class!  All he is doing is expressing appreciation for her.

To see Quality Time in action let’s head over to the swing set.  This is one of the best examples of quality time.  Little Johnny can push Suzie in the swing for the entire recess period and both of them be happy about it.  He is paying complete attention to her and making sure that she is going as high as she wants to.  She is being doted on because he is listening to her and responding to her wishes.  The communication can be as simple as “higher!” or “that’s too high!” but it is so much deeper than just the words.  She is communicating a need and he is meeting it.  She is being heard and she knows it because he changes in reaction to it.  That is the quintessential quality time: proximity, focused attention and truly hearing the other’s needs.

Receiving Gifts is also in full display at school.  Sometimes it might not work out so well, like when Little Johnny gives Suzie his prized frog he caught.  Sometimes it does, like when Suzie gives Little Johnny a pen because he left his at home.  It is simply giving to someone else something that has value - either to you or to them.  It is especially impactful when the item has value to both parties - such as when Little Johnny breaks his homemade chocolate chip cookie in half and slides a piece to Suzie during snack time.  Giving a gift in a public setting also has extra value because Suzie’s friends see the transaction and they get to talk about it afterwards, thereby increasing the importance of the gift and it’s attached meaning.  This is why brining your lover flowers home is a wonderful thing to do, but having them delivered to her at work or when she is sure to be in front of friends is even more impactful.

Acts of Service is almost ubiquitous in school settings.  How often do you see people offer to carry books, or open a door or help with homework?  These are all acts of service that tell the person that they are important.  It communicates very clearly that I see you and I know you.  And because of that, I am aware of what your needs are and I am going to go out of my way to meet those needs.  Acts of service require us to be aware and to be self-starters.  See a need and get up and meet that need (preferably before you are asked to do so).  If there is a piece of clothing on the floor - pick it up!  If there are dishes in the sink - put them in the dishwasher, or <gasp> wash them yourself!  If he’s mowing the lawn and you can tell that it is hot outside, take him a big glass of his favorite ice-cold beverage.  The key: notice and be proactive - don’t wait to be asked.

Physical Touch is probably the easiest to see on the playground.  Everyone of us has played tag before.  What is the basic point?  To touch!  Remember the swing set where quality time is camping out?  In order to push someone on the swing you have to touch them.  Win a game and high five?  Touch.  Punch a buddy in the arm? Touch.  Almost all the games we create on the playground requires some level of touch.  Our relationships are no different.  Yes, every guy wants to claim Physical Touch as their primary love language in the hopes that their wife will read “sex is my love language.”  But stereotyping aside, there is more to physical touch than simply sex in a relationship.  It can be a gentle caress as you walk by your lover.  A lingering hug that promises more.  A quick peck on the cheek just to say hi.  Holding hands in a public area.  Cuddling on the couch while watching a movie.  Physical touch is a way of reminding the person that you are there for them - that they are not alone.  Our bodies and minds respond to touch.  Studies have shown that infants who receive hugs and touch every day will develop better cognitively.  My daughter’s class last year sang the “Four Hugs a Day” for all the parents as a reminder to everyone of the importance of physical contact for showing love, support and connectedness.

So your assignment this time?  Head out to the playground with your lover and through practice and patience try out all the love languages and see what you respond to best and which one you are most fluent in.  Take some notes.  Learn with each other.  Copying off of your lover’s work is highly encouraged!!

Then each day, go out of your way to intentionally speak your lover’s Love Language at least once - every day!!

There’s the bell!  Go play!!

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