Taking my daughter to ballet classes is one of those love-hate jobs for me.  She’s a 5 year old, and I am under no illusions about the talent level in her class.  It is cute.  Seriously cute…but at the end of the day it’s cute.  That being said, there are just some days that I have had all the cute I can handle…today was one of those days.  I brought my computer with me and put my head down to get some work done.

“So what do you do?”

It was an innocent question that completely interrupted my train of thought.  I looked up, smiled politely and internally braced myself.  There are times that I hate that question. Don’t get me wrong…I love what I do, but it’s an awkward answer for some people, and I did not know this lady and could not have guessed how this was going to go.

So, I took a breath and said, “I am a Passion Coach. I coach couples on their sex lives.” Then I smiled.

“Their what?”

At this point, I was really hoping it was the dull roar of casual conversations in the room that prompted her to ask me to repeat myself. I widened my smile. “Their SEX lives.”

Her eyes lit up. “OH! If I had met you two weeks ago, I would have needed to come to you for coaching!”

And then she proceeded to tell me about her sex life. (Believe it or not, this is the response that I look forward to most – it’s much better than the startled and horrified look that some give me as they shuffle away.)

The reason she no longer “need to come to me for coaching’ is because she had an “ah-ha moment” while watching the movie, The Notebook.

I was completely enthralled in her story, partly because I think the movie is brilliant. I love the story as it is told from the perspective of an elderly man who is telling a “love story” to his wife with Alzheimer’s. I love the passion of a young couple who truly do defy all the odds to make their relationship last the test of time.  It’s a great movie.

But, even as a big fan, I was a little bit baffled as to how it could radically change the sex life of a woman who had been married for 10 years.

She began to explain to me that as the story unfolded, she noticed that the two lovers were never burdened by the need to do the dishes. Or clean the house. Or tend to the children. Or mow the lawn. Without these cluttering details, she just saw the passion.

Now many people might see the same logistical details lacking in the movie, and think to themselves, “Well, that is such a fairy tale. See, she didn’t even have to do housework!” That kind of cynicism would miss the moral of the story on which this woman focused.

“They are totally different things!” She said proudly. “Passion and the little details of life have nothing to do with each other!” She then proceeded to tell me how she had decided, after watching the movie, to put all the little annoyances on the back burner when it came to having sex with her husband. It used to be that if he failed to help around the house, he would be “cut off”. If he didn’t pitch in with the kids – cut off.

But, under these circumstances, how were they ever going to have sex? “It could be a year!” She said.

After this little revelation, she decided to have sex with him regardless of what had happened during the day. They had sex so often, in fact, that one evening he said he was too tired and begged off for the night. “I can’t remember the last time THAT happened.” In the meantime, she found that he was helping around the house more and he was willing to pitch in with the kids.  It was clear she was a happy woman.
What she had stumbled upon was a principle that I preach to women far and wide. Men, when they are taken care of sexually, become more involved around the house. They become more attentive. They are more pleasant to live with.

Believe it or not, there is science to back this up. As women, we naturally have more oxytocin (the bonding hormone) in our systems. Call it part of our nature – we are built to bond. But there is one time that men can match us in the amount of oxytocin. It is right after orgasm.

Men feel closer to us when they have had sex.

So why would we withhold sex from them because they aren’t being emotionally close to us? It doesn’t make any sense. It is a chicken vs. egg argument which has disastrous consequences.

“It just wasn’t working.” The woman concluded. So she found a way to make it work for them.  Sometimes people need to hear this truth over and over again before it starts to sink in.  This lady just had to watch The Notebook.

Today, ballet class was the highlight of my day.