Hint #51

Use each day as an opportunity to try something new.  Jump into a new technique, position, breathing pattern or location whenever the opportunity presents itself.  The more variety you expose yourself to, the greater the chance of finding what turns you on.

Power Play - A Guest Q&A

In my line of work, I see couples who have all sorts of tastes and proclivities in their sex lives. They run from “plain vanilla” to the downright exotic. As a die-hard marriage enthusiast, my main objective in working with these couples is to ensure that their communication skills about their sex life get better and better with each passing year, and that they are able to meet each other’s needs, desires and secret fantasies in a way which builds strength into the marriage rather than weakening it. Regardless of what the couple engages in privately, I believe that respect, trust and genuine care for each other are essential for a sex life to thrive.

In this guest post, I have decided to give you a look into the lives of a couple who tend more to the exotic end of the scale. A simple anonymous Q&A seemed like the best way to convey the information.  When this couple first came to me, they were secretly battling a sexless marriage. Finding the ways to even broach the subject of sex was a chore. Years later, they have found their stride in an area of sexuality which is still incredibly taboo.

Let’s start with the basics - a simple explanation.  What is “power play” in the bedroom?
He said:

Power play in the bedroom is not about blowing off steam or venting a day’s frustrations. It’s about pleasuring my wife by dominating her physically and sexually, but not emotionally or mentally.

For us, it’s an escape, a fantasy world- like dressing up as pirates or policemen. Because heavy-handed domination isn’t part of our daily relationship, it’s a creative way for us to escape sexually.

She said:

Power play is, for me, a welcome escape from being a wife and mother.  Instead of being the responsible one, I get to surrender all control and just enjoy my husband and some rocking sex.  It’s really refreshing.  I suspect that a lot of women who enjoy this type of play are strong and competent in everyday life. Isn’t that what a fantasy is, escaping by pretending to be someone you aren’t?

This isn’t the only kind of sex we enjoy- it’s just one more way that we can experience intimacy, one more option to choose from.  Sometimes we have very tender sex.

There is so much respect in this- you have to understand that the thought of being humiliated is not sexy, and my husband would never do that.  He would never say horrid things to me, even as part of a fantasy.  But for me being physically dominated by my husband is totally safe, and actually comforting- it took a lot of courage for him to spank me the first time, there had to be trust both ways.  I don’t think that we could enjoy this kind of play if there wasn’t deep trust already established.

So what made you try this?

He said:

I was actually quite surprised to discover my wife had domination fantasies. She’s always been a very dominant woman- not specifically with regard to sex, but in the rest of our life. We really do run our marriage relationship on pretty equal grounds, and while we both have our areas of responsibility where we tend to control things, overall we work together as equals. Finding out she really got off on being tied down or handled a bit roughly really marked a significant place in our sexual relationship.

I was raised to thoroughly respect women, and of course once I was married, that meant being respectful in bed as well. Proper foreplay, ensuring my wife’s pleasure before mine, and never “using” her for my own satisfaction were all part of that respect. Oh, she’d sometimes tell me to just get my sex on and not worry about her, but I never was comfortable actually doing so. But once I began to understand (with her help) that what really turned her was not particularly the act of “taking her”, but more the excitement she got from being dominated by me, I was able to relax about the whole thing and really get into it.

What really opened up this whole aspect of our sexuality for us was when we read Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty novels together. We never actually made it through the whole series, but it was enough to make my wife sit up and say “That’s what turns my crank!” It took a while before I was able to adjust my own attitudes enough to be comfortable turning her over my knees and spanking her till she was bright red, but it certainly helped, seeing how much being dominated really fired her up! It definitely makes adjustment easier when there’s such a positive and immediate return for the effort.

She said:

Reading those stories was a huge step out of our comfort zone, and something that not all couples will be comfortable with.  But realising that there are a lot of ways that couples can express their sexuality got us talking about what turned us on, got us open to experimenting more.  And it’s an ongoing conversation.  We love road trips, because we can talk in total privacy for the whole time!

We experimented a tiny bit at a time- we certainly didn’t just jump in at the deep end with restraints and a flogger.  Every once in a while, something new gets tried, either after a conversation we’ve had, or sometimes I think it’s just instinct.

Do you have any advice for other couples?

He said:

Stepping out of your comfort zone sexually requires a huge amount of trust, we’ve mentioned before. If you feel that there is a lack of trust between you and your spouse, you should really work to correct that before experimenting with something new or potentially dangerous. Power play can easily become abuse unless you both know exactly where your partner is emotionally, and that’s the last thing you want in a relationship.

She said:

Talk about what interests you.  Work to create a safe atmosphere in the bedroom and experiment.  Be sure to let each other know what you like and don’t like.  Start small.  If power play piques your interest, try playing with restraints or a blindfold.

He said:

I’d also add that once you’ve talked about it, don’t go crazy and buy a huge pile of ‘gadgets’. Experiment with what you have around the house- use a necktie for a blindfold (the silk is very sensual); use a bathrobe tie as a restraint; use an old, soft leather belt as a flogger. Once you know what you both really like, it’s well worth it to invest in some commercial toys that will really enhance your play together. Some of the things we’ve found fun are nipple clamps, a nice flogger with lots of tiny strands (adds more sensation than a belt or paddle-style flogger while actually being gentler), silky ropes (you can buy special ones that attach to your bed, but we just bought a few metres of soft rope from the fabric supply store), and of course a blindfold is a staple in power play. Many couples also enjoy costuming that enhances the power disparity- examples would include the French Maid and Secretary outfits for women, and if it’s the guy who’s being submissive, there’s the popular Handyman and Pool Boy fantasies. Whatever your choice, remember, it’s about mutual fun and pleasure.

So have a blast, and play safe!

Anal Sex in Marriage - A Guest Post

It’s a beautiful evening and the kids are gone to grandma’s house.  There is a fire in the fireplace, the candles are lit, and the music is low and sultry.  You are kissing and fondling and things are quickly moving to the next level when you feel your husband’s fingers at the entrance of the forbidden zone!  Oh no, wait, that isn’t his finger at all!  As this realization hits your face, your wonderful soul-mate husband of many years leans over and whispers in your ear…”feeling adventurous?”

Ever happened to you?  Well, this scenario (with various different changes) is played out in marital beds all over.  I’ve had women to ask me why in the world their husband seems so infatuated with their bottom.  To me the answer is pretty simple.  Men get sexual gratification from sticking their member into small damp holes.  Once a man and woman are married, their bodies belong to each other.  Of course it’s only natural for a husband to think of all the places he can go with it.  The three holes that are large enough to accommodate a penis are the mouth, vagina, and anus.  A simple, mildly blunt explanation as to why a husband may be intrigued or interested in anal sex.

It would be unfair though; to say that husbands are the only ones interested in back door play.  Many women are also curious about this ‘taboo’ subject.  In my own marriage, I have always been the aggressor when it comes to anal play/sex.  I had experimented myself during some alone time and found that there really are some nerve endings at the entrance of the anus that feel so pleasurable when stimulated!  I told my husband about it and asked if he minded using a finger there from time to time during intercourse.  The results were mind-blowing orgasms that made me melt and made him feel pretty good too!

So… how does a couple know if it’s really okay to try anal sex?  I firmly believe that a married couple should feel free to try almost anything they want to in their own marriage bed.  I draw the line at involving a third party, which includes other people physically and also pornography (this could be a whole other article in itself).  A healthy marriage is between the husband, wife, and God.  I also draw the line with sex acts that will hurt or demean one of you.  If you are involved in an act that makes you feel humiliated or degraded, then that act is unhealthy for your marriage.  That is a gateway for resentment to set in.

Anal sex can be very pleasurable for some women.  (Notice I said some and not all.)  We hear about orgasms that start from the clitoris or from the G-spot, but there are many women out there who swear that they have had orgasms originating from their anus.  I believe them because it’s happened to me as well.  But for all the women who claim to love anal sex, there seem to be just as many who don’t like it at all.  For some women it seems degrading and for others it’s uncomfortable or just down right painful.  Communication is so important here.  If you are curious about it, then TALK to your spouse!  Ask them how they feel about trying some anal play.  Find out if he/she is uncomfortable with the idea.  Discuss any concerns openly with each other.  There are some possible medical issues that could result from participating in anal sex, including infection and damage to the rectum, so it would be wise to research this together before deciding on trying it. If you find that your concerns and uneasiness outweigh the curiosity and eagerness, then you probably need to stop and back up a bit.  If you and your spouse have researched this topic and feel like it is something you’d like to try together, then here are a few things to keep in mind.

• You need to start small with a pinky finger or similar sized toy and gradually work your way up to the size of the husband’s penis.  You may find that you can’t accommodate your husband’s penis but you do like the feel of his index finger.
• STOP if you get to something that hurts. DO NOT try to “push past the pain.”  If there is pain it’s there for a reason and should be taken as a warning.  You are looking for sexual pleasure, not something that hurts you.
• There is no such thing as too much lube. Use copious amounts of it, all over you and your husband.  Use the amount you think you’ll need, and then add some more.
• Go slow and let her be in charge. Let her choose the position that she likes and allow her to set the pace.  It may take several minutes for her to be able to handle the full monty, so be patient and wait until she is ready for more.  Short, slow strokes are best to start off with.

You may wonder how in the world anal sex can deepen intimacy in marriage.  Over the last few years I’ve heard many stories of this, including one woman who wrote to me explaining how she had been sexually active with several other men before marrying her husband.  In her marriage, anal sex was a very intimate and bonding act for the simple reason that she had never had anal sex with any other man.  Her promiscuous past included vaginal sex with other men, but they both knew that the only man she had ever had anal intercourse with was her husband.  Thus, it became a very intimate act between them.

Like all other sex acts, this is a decision that is left up to each individual couple.  Anal sex isn’t for everyone.  It’s not the be-all end-all sex act.  It’s simply one out of hundreds of things that a married couple should feel free to try, if they both want to.  If both of you aren’t on the same page about it, then choose another book.  It shouldn’t be a divisive issue.  So communicate, research, and make a decision together.  And above all, have fun!

Cumingirl is a devoted wife and full time mom of two living in the USA.  She is one of the co-creators of www.christiannymphos.org.  Their website is considered by many to be groundbreaking in its ability to intertwine sex and the Christian faith.  The site was launched as a way to teach married women to walk in sexual freedom with their husbands.

What do you wish for more of in your sexual relationship?

Personal Body Grooming

When I was in elementary school, I ran down the street to visit a girlfriend. Her mother opened the door dressed in her exercise gear. This was the age of the Jane Fonda Workout and doing aerobics videos at home was all the rage. I can only assume that the mother peeked through the peephole in her door and thought, “Oh, it is only Eryn-Faye” because I shudder to think that, given her state of dress, she would have opened it to just anyone. For even at my young age, my eyes were drawn to the bush which was popping out of both sides of her body-suit and I vividly remember thinking to myself, “Dear God, I will never let myself look like that!”

Being thoroughly scarred from that incident, I was always meticulous as a teenager to make sure that nothing escaped from my swimsuit when splashing around during the Texas summers. Bikini waxes or shavings were just a part of my regular grooming regime. However, I was well into my twenties before I realized that I could do more than just “edge the curb”, so to speak. People actually “mow the whole lawn”!

Here are some of the reasons why both men and women might want to look into more extensive body groming (FYI - men, we call this “man-scaping” for you):

• In today’s styles of skimpy bathing suits, shorts, workout clothes and even lingerie, clipping your pubic hair means that you don’t have to be worried about anything sticking out.  (and reading about it on someone’s website 30 years later)
• If you are concerned about hygiene issues, the idea of less hair is most likely very appealing.
• Oral sex is so much more enjoyable when your lover is well groomed.
• Intercourse takes on a host of new sensations when there is little or nothing as a barrier in between.
• Less hair means more to see, and this can be very exciting. Provided that the lights are on, of course.

If you decide to take the plunge, you have several options, three of which are the most popular:

Trimming - typically using scissors or a trimmer (hair or beard), this is an option that you can try at home. If this is your first time with a trimmer, start with a longer blade and then shorten it to the desired length. While it does not remove the hair completely, it does shorten the length and tidy up the area.

Pro’s - once you invest in a good pair or scissors or a trimmer, the procedure is cheap, easy and quickly done at home.

Con’s - you will never experience the smooth feeling of a shave or wax, and you will most likely have to finish up the more delicate areas with a razor.

Shaving - this is an exceedingly easy option as everyone keeps a razor in the house. Usually more than one. When shaving the pubic region, it is essential to have a sharp razor (brand new is best) and a good shaving cream or gel. If this is the first time to do any sort of upkeep in the pubic region, then you will want to trim the area first so that your razor isn’t dull by the time you get to the sensitive areas. Go slowly, and try not to shave over the same area multiple times so that you can avoid irritation to the skin. (If you need a great shaving cream which helps cut down on the irritation, try out Unisex Soft & Silky)

Pro’s - cheap, easy and quick to do. The only expense is making sure that you change out your razors regularly to ensure that they remain sharp. You will have the soft, smooth feeling immediately after shaving.

Con’s - in the early stages of re-growth, the hair is stubbly which can be uncomfortable. However, once you get past this stage (usually in a day or two) this discomfort abates.

Waxing - the key to getting a good wax job is finding someone who really knows what they are doing. My personal opinion is that this is not the type of service that you want to get at your local esthetics school where all the novices are trying their new found skill sets on you for a cheaper price. But that’s just me. I believe that in the world of pubic waxing, you get what you pay for. If possible, get a referral from a friend who has had a good experience. If not, make sure that the salon is reputable, clean, and that your esthetician has experience giving pubic waxes.

Most salons will give women several options including Brazilian waxing (a full removal of hair) or French waxing (a “landing strip” of hair is left remaining). Likewise, men have the option of going totally bald or just waxing portions of their pelvic region.

Pro’s - Since the hair is removed at the hair follicle, it takes longer to grow back in and when it does, it does not have the stubble which accompanies shaving. Some people claim that if you continue to wax, over time the hair also comes in thinner and thinner. Immediately following waxing, the area is completely soft and smooth.

Con’s - It can be a somewhat painful experience, although an experienced esthetician will keep this to a minimum and move the procedure along quickly so that the discomfort does not last for long. Furthermore, the process can be expensive depending on where you live (smaller towns which have fewer salons tend to up their prices for this specialty service). However, as I mentioned above, this is not a service you want to scrimp on the price. If it is worth doing, it is worth doing well.

At the end of the day, there are a lot of options out there so that you can keep your down below region well groomed. Which I am sure will make your lover very happy.   (And you won’t freak out elementary school kids either. Bonus.)

Consummation 101

Welcome back to class.  This will be our last day of class before you “graduate”.  Feel free to have a big party tonight, but don’t pass out invitations in class unless you are inviting everyone!

But before we get too far into the celebration mode, let’s not forget that we do have a class today.  And yes, as promised, this really will focus on the sexual aspect of relationships.  No guys, if you have been diligently and patiently doing all the homework with your lady, then today’s lesson is truly well earned.  If you have sulked through class doing the bare minimums…well, then quid pro quo should not surprise you in the least.  You get what you give…

That being said, ladies - those of you who think that communication is the end-all-be-all of intimacy and understanding each other, I point you to a universally respected philosopher, Plato who said:

You can learn more from someone in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.

Not the kind of thing you would expect to hear from the guy who wrote The Republic and lectured on metaphysics in ancient Greece is it?  But it is true.

Now, I have already received quite a few emails in anticipation of this particular article.  My favorite was a simple, short question that said, “Are you teaching how to have sex?”  This is a question that I get asked all the time - especially in social settings when somebody blurts out that I am a “passion coach for sex”.  There is that awkward silence where people take that in and process it.  I usually take a deep breath and try to explain why that statement is as wrong as it is right, but someone always asks the question, “do you teach people how to have sex?”

The short of it is of course, no.  This article is not going to be a “tab A - slot B” diagram.   The underlying cause in the dramatic rise in sexless marriages in North America is not a lack of understanding of how a penis and vagina connect together.  I have yet to have anyone come to me for help and say, “I keep hearing about this thing called sex, but I have no idea what it is or how it works.”

No, for most of us, sex gets lost in the clutter of daily life, or set aside because of physical or emotional issues.   And yet physical intimacy is as important to a strong relationship as commitment and communication.  And yes, I did just switch terms from sex to physical intimacy.  They are slightly synonymous.  Sex is always physical intimacy, but physical intimacy is not always sex.

Easy guys, I am not going to say that a good cuddle can take the place of sex on a daily basis.  I don’t believe that.  But I do think both are important.  One of the issues that we face in North American culture today is that we have become so focused on goal achievement.  Now, usually this is a very good thing.  But often our greatest strength can also be our greatest weakness.  In a sexual relationship “finishing” the task at hand as quickly and efficiently as possible is not the best approach.  (the occasional “quickie” notwithstanding of course, but a healthy relationship cannot exist only on “quickies”)

Remember back to the beginning of your relationship.  Was there a time when you couldn’t wait to have sex?  All you wanted to do was run your hands all over your lover’s body and explore every inch of them?  When simply stroking their skin would lurch you both to an almost overwhelming physical response?  When you would kiss for hours because you weren’t sure the two of you were ready to take the physical further?

Physical relationships always start somewhere.  Sitting next to someone and your legs touch.  Reaching for something at the same time and your fingers brush against each another’s.  Somewhere along the way all this accidental touching changes to be more intentional.   One of you, maybe both of you at the same time, reaches for the other’s hand - and you never stop holding hands after that.

The first hug - maybe stilted and done with one arm.  The eventually that becomes a two armed hug where you lean into each other and shoulders connect but a little kid could still walk between you while you hug.  And finally, there comes the full-frontal embrace.  Arms around each other, heads tilt to opposite angles and rest on each other shoulders.  Neck touches neck.  Chest touches chest.  Belly to belly, thigh to thigh and hands move slowly up and down the back - longing to go just a little lower.

Then the first kiss.  Maybe it starts as cheeks touching and you make a little kissing noise as you do it (how very European of you).  Then it will proceed to a quick lip to lip that barely gives you time to pucker, but you think about it for hours afterwards.  Eventually you work up to that first real kiss.  It might not last for hours - maybe it is under the porch light at the end of a great date.  The first real kiss.  You are looking right at each other and your eyes keep moving from their eyes to their lips, like an unspoken ask for permission.  Then you begin the long slow movement forward as you both realize that this is going to happen.  Your lips part just as you come together and your eyes close as you give yourself over to “the kiss.”

Once that seal is broken you are kissing all the time.  You find excuses to be together just so you can kiss again.   You can be on the phone together for hours, not talking, because all you really want to do is be close to them - and when you are, talking is not the highest priority on your list.

Remember those days?  Back then we were not in a sprint to the finish line.  Sure, we probably wanted to speed things up a bit, but we were never rushed.   And yet today we are overwhelmed with activities and responsibilities and physical intimacy doesn’t get the prioritization it deserves.  Ironically, it is often the very fact that we know we can “get it” anytime that induces us to put it off - often to the point that we never do.

We have to reprioritize our lives.  If we want our relationship to grow and thrive, and not be satisfied with it simply continuing to exist, then we need to get back to the basics.  Let’s build on the foundation that we have.  Those feelings and activities might be buried under years and years of distractions and actions, but if you dig down, you will find that foundation.

Yes, I understand that you are busy, that your life is hectic and that you run at a frantic pace.  I understand that you have kids and they have some kind of built in amorous radar that forces them to suddenly need your attention if you and your lover so much as exchange a meaningful gaze.  But I also know that your sex life is important.  That it needs and deserves time and attention.  You deserve some time and attention.

So find some alone time.  Call into work sick one day and stay in bed - together.  Get up REALLY early and learn to explore each other again.  Find a friend to watch the kids for a night - or even for a few hours.  Trade off with another couple - each of you can watch the other’s kids while you go out (or stay in) once a month.

And get back to basics.  When was the last time you climbed on the bed and kissed deeply and lost track of time in each other’s embrace?  When was the last time you gave each other an hour long sensual massage - making sure to touch every single part of your lover’s body?

My husband once told me that he had a basketball coach who enforced a very strict rule.  Every time they brought the ball down court, they had to pass the ball 4 times minimum before they were allowed to shoot.  Sounds crazy doesn’t it?  What if there was an open shot?  What if they had an easy lay-up?  Didn’t matter.  The rule was 4 passes first.  I will admit that I don’t know enough about basketball to understand his rationale, but I am going to steal his concept anyway.  Next time you have sex, put this rule in place:  No vaginal penetration and no orgasms for either of you until you have both gotten fully naked, kissed deeply for at least 10 minutes and touched every part of each other’s bodies.  This is not a fast break play (to stay with the basketball analogy).  You have to intentionally build up to sex.  Nothing is to be rushed along.

Here’s a quick quiz for you:

Men: do you know what it takes for your lover to have multiple orgasms?  Wouldn’t it be great to find out?  If she has had them before with you, what is the highest number of them she has ever had (and can you beat that number)?

Women: do you know how long your lover’s refractory period is? (The refractory period is the recovery phase after orgasm during which it is physiologically impossible for a man to have additional orgasms. It is also sometimes explained as the time immediately following orgasm during which a man cannot achieve an erection.)  The best part is that there is only one way to find out the answer to this particular question…

If you are going to commit to focusing on your sex life, start first by focusing on having sex.  But focus on the full experience of it - from initial arousal through the complete build up to each person’s orgasms, then (to steal a line from hair care products) rinse and repeat.  Make physical intimacy a priority - yes, that means that something else will be pushed down the priority list.  Then schedule ahead specific times where sexual intimacy becomes THE PRIORITY.   Plan ahead.   I know, scheduling sex might not sound  like the spontaneous love making that everyone on TV is having, but it is simply to help you gain perspective on its importance.  You aren’t scheduling the sex - just the time for it.  The sex can still be spontaneous, and in fact it should be.  If you schedule one night a month where you will have long, uninterrupted time for sex, then switch back and forth on who plans it.  Talk in between times about what you like and don’t like.  What you have tried and what you haven’t (but secretly always wanted to).  Find new favorite positions or fantasies.  Have some fun.

I have coached many many people who lost the fun in sex.  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the statement, “sex just isn’t fun anymore.”  Don’t be afraid to laugh together in the bedroom, or the kitchen table or the shower or wherever you decide to consummate your relationship again.  Sex is fun.

If you have gotten this far in the class, then you understand how integral commitment and communication are to a relationship - now you’ll find out how consummation interweaves with them as well.  None of them are complete without all of them.

So go - kiss, hug, stroke, have sex.  You heard me.  Go on.  And, maybe you shouldn’t invite anyone else to your graduation party after all.  

Steps to Increasing Sexual Variation

In this short Q&A, Eryn-Faye, Canada’s Passion Coach, answers an audience member’s question about what they can do to increase variation in their sex life.

Download this file as a .mov file for your Quick Time player OR as a .m4v file for your ipod OR as a .mp3 file to listen to the audio on itunes

Variety…the Spice of Life

Our four year old daughter is not crazy about spicy foods. It is probably my fault because when I was pregnant with her, I avoided anything and everything that could intensify the excruciating heartburn that I suffered. In our family, however, we value multi-culturism. Eric and I have traveled extensively overseas and believe there is a lot to be learned from exploring and experiencing other cultures. As a result, we vary our menu with foods from other countries. Sometimes, much to the chagrin of our daughter, those foods are spicy. When she complains about the food, our typical response is something along the lines of, “If you want to travel around the world with us, you have to learn to eat new kinds of food.” Since she is desperate to go to Africa, this response is usually sufficient to get her to pick up her fork (with a big glass of water handy to wash the food down) and eat. While she doesn’t necessarily love everything that we make her try, she has a fairly extensive pallet for a child of her age. Sushi currently sits at the top of her favourite foods list, a food that I didn’t get to experience until adulthood.

How did you find out that you liked your steak cooked medium-rare? Or find out that tiramisu is your favourite dessert? Or that you prefer to mix your mashed potatoes with gravy? At some point in your life, you tried it and realized that you liked it. Perhaps you learned your preferences around your family table growing up. Perhaps a person that you really wanted to impress offered something new to try, and you took them up on the offer. I am responsible for the fact that Eric now drinks coffee. When we first started dating, I invited him into my world of addiction to caffeine and he has been a fan ever since.

My point is this - you will never know whether
you enjoy something new unless you try it.

If you are aiming to have a sexual relationship with the same person for decades, then creativity, variety and spontaneity need to be tools in your tool belt. This doesn’t mean that you won’t have your “tried and true” favourites. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a favourite position, or time of day, or type of lighting during your sexual encounters. My husband’s favourite flavour of ice cream is vanilla. No lie. But the reason he knows this is his favourite is that he has tried a bunch of other flavours. That is the difference between having a favourite and an only.

Here is my challenge for you this week. Pick a new position, or time of day, or place to have sex and try it. If you love it, add it to your list of favourites. If you don’t, then put it on the “been there, done that” list. Regardless of which list it lands on, congratulate yourself on being creative in your love life this week. And then write in and let me know about your experience!
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How Much is TOO MUCH Sex?

How much sex is too much sex?   That could be a poll, but there would have to be too many answers listed - everyone would have a differing opinion on that question.  But it is a question that gets asked a lot.  It gets asked so often, that Douglas Brown decided to write a book on it

Douglas Brown, the author of the book Just Do It, and his wife committed to have sex 101 days in a row. You heard that right - 101 days in a row.  Excuses were not an option - they couldn’t whine about being tired, or the kids in the next room, or not being in the mood. They very simply did it.

When interviewed at the end of the their experiment, they said they were closer as a couple. They had deeper intimacy, better communication and more romance. Furthermore (and this is the part of the story that I find particularly interesting), they started paying more attention to their bodies.  They began to exercise and eat better.

I suppose this makes sense. If you are spending that much time naked, it would be natural to look at your body more often. The less covered up you are, the more you have to acknowledge yourself “au naturale”. And it got me thinking…summer has begun and we have turned our attention to all those bits that are bigger or flabbier or less toned than we want. What if we could get rid of those parts AND build intimacy with our spouse?

Here’s my challenge: Make a Sexy Summer Pact with your spouse.

Commit to having sex everyday until mid-August. If you start June 15th and go until August 15th, that is 62 days - far less that Douglas Brown and his wife, but long enough to give you a feel for what it is like to connect every day in a sexual way. How knows? Maybe you will like it so much you will go for the full 101 days!!

Now, I want to be clear about this challenge.  There are quite a few logistics to take into consideration (Mr. Brown had a prescription for Viagra filled as a “just in case” measure - I am not advocating that!!)

If you are going to take up the challenge, here are some considerations and logistics to think about:

• Define “sex” - Vaginal penetration is not necessary to count as “sex”. In fact, I would encourage you to learn to you satisfy each other in other creative ways too. Need suggestions to get started?

o    Hand jobs - use your hands to help each other reach climax
o    Oral Sex
o    Bedroom toys and vibrators can be used to reach orgasm
o    Mutual masturbation while looking into each other’s eyes
o    Skin Time - just get naked with each other and lay up against one another (Just don’t fall into the trap of only doing this one!!  You both really ought to orgasm - mutual satisfaction is always the goal.)

• Try different times of the day and locations to add variety and spice
• Load up on lubricant so that you can take advantage of a quick moment or for hand jobs or toys
• Use the challenge as an excuse to try new things in the bedroom and talk to each other about your secret fantasies
• If you are out of town and away from each other, substitute a sexy phone call…and see where that leads!
• NO EXCUSES!!!

I realize that there are those of us out there who have issues reaching orgasm - physically or psychologically.  This exercise is not intended to single you out or make you feel badly about yourselves or your situation, rather I would hope that this would be an opportunity for you to really explore your sexual relationship with your lover.  Talk, look, explore and learn about each other’s bodies in ways you never have.  The goal is building a whole new level of intimacy, so make sure that is your focus.

Regardless of whether you are motivated to take the pact because of the caloric burn, or the increase in intimacy, or merely because it sounds interesting, have fun!

One more thing…go make a reservation for a nice restaurant right now for August 15th. Book the babysitter too. The two of you can toast your Sexy Summer and discuss what you have both discovered about your relationship during your pact. Maybe you can take your measurements too and see how many inches you have burned off!!

How about it? Are you in? Let me know your feedback. I would love hear from the people who are taking up the challenge!

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What is the most important criteria in your definition of a “good sex life”?’

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