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Anal Sex in Marriage – A Guest Post

It’s a beautiful evening and the kids are gone to grandma’s house.  There is a fire in the fireplace, the candles are lit, and the music is low and sultry.  You are kissing and fondling and things are quickly moving to the next level when you feel your husband’s fingers at the entrance of the forbidden zone!  Oh no, wait, that isn’t his finger at all!  As this realization hits your face, your wonderful soul-mate husband of many years leans over and whispers in your ear…”feeling adventurous?”

Ever happened to you?  Well, this scenario (with various different changes) is played out in marital beds all over.  I’ve had women to ask me why in the world their husband seems so infatuated with their bottom.  To me the answer is pretty simple.  Men get sexual gratification from sticking their member into small damp holes.  Once a man and woman are married, their bodies belong to each other.  Of course it’s only natural for a husband to think of all the places he can go with it.  The three holes that are large enough to accommodate a penis are the mouth, vagina, and anus.  A simple, mildly blunt explanation as to why a husband may be intrigued or interested in anal sex.

It would be unfair though; to say that husbands are the only ones interested in back door play.  Many women are also curious about this ‘taboo’ subject.  In my own marriage, I have always been the aggressor when it comes to anal play/sex.  I had experimented myself during some alone time and found that there really are some nerve endings at the entrance of the anus that feel so pleasurable when stimulated!  I told my husband about it and asked if he minded using a finger there from time to time during intercourse.  The results were mind-blowing orgasms that made me melt and made him feel pretty good too!

So… how does a couple know if it’s really okay to try anal sex?  I firmly believe that a married couple should feel free to try almost anything they want to in their own marriage bed.  I draw the line at involving a third party, which includes other people physically and also pornography (this could be a whole other article in itself).  A healthy marriage is between the husband, wife, and God.  I also draw the line with sex acts that will hurt or demean one of you.  If you are involved in an act that makes you feel humiliated or degraded, then that act is unhealthy for your marriage.  That is a gateway for resentment to set in.

Anal sex can be very pleasurable for some women.  (Notice I said some and not all.)  We hear about orgasms that start from the clitoris or from the G-spot, but there are many women out there who swear that they have had orgasms originating from their anus.  I believe them because it’s happened to me as well.  But for all the women who claim to love anal sex, there seem to be just as many who don’t like it at all.  For some women it seems degrading and for others it’s uncomfortable or just down right painful.  Communication is so important here.  If you are curious about it, then TALK to your spouse!  Ask them how they feel about trying some anal play.  Find out if he/she is uncomfortable with the idea.  Discuss any concerns openly with each other.  There are some possible medical issues that could result from participating in anal sex, including infection and damage to the rectum, so it would be wise to research this together before deciding on trying it. If you find that your concerns and uneasiness outweigh the curiosity and eagerness, then you probably need to stop and back up a bit.  If you and your spouse have researched this topic and feel like it is something you’d like to try together, then here are a few things to keep in mind.

  • You need to start small with a pinky finger or similar sized toy and gradually work your way up to the size of the husband’s penis.  You may find that you can’t accommodate your husband’s penis but you do like the feel of his index finger.
  • STOP if you get to something that hurts. DO NOT try to “push past the pain.”  If there is pain it’s there for a reason and should be taken as a warning.  You are looking for sexual pleasure, not something that hurts you.
  • There is no such thing as too much lube. Use copious amounts of it, all over you and your husband.  Use the amount you think you’ll need, and then add some more.
  • Go slow and let her be in charge. Let her choose the position that she likes and allow her to set the pace.  It may take several minutes for her to be able to handle the full monty, so be patient and wait until she is ready for more.  Short, slow strokes are best to start off with.

You may wonder how in the world anal sex can deepen intimacy in marriage.  Over the last few years I’ve heard many stories of this, including one woman who wrote to me explaining how she had been sexually active with several other men before marrying her husband.  In her marriage, anal sex was a very intimate and bonding act for the simple reason that she had never had anal sex with any other man.  Her promiscuous past included vaginal sex with other men, but they both knew that the only man she had ever had anal intercourse with was her husband.  Thus, it became a very intimate act between them.

Like all other sex acts, this is a decision that is left up to each individual couple.  Anal sex isn’t for everyone.  It’s not the be-all end-all sex act.  It’s simply one out of hundreds of things that a married couple should feel free to try, if they both want to.  If both of you aren’t on the same page about it, then choose another book.  It shouldn’t be a divisive issue.  So communicate, research, and make a decision together.  And above all, have fun!

cumingirl

Cumingirl is a devoted wife and full time mom of two living in the USA.  She is one of the co-creators of www.christiannymphos.org.  Their website is considered by many to be groundbreaking in its ability to intertwine sex and the Christian faith.  The site was launched as a way to teach married women to walk in sexual freedom with their husbands.

Steps to Increasing Sexual Variation

In this short Q&A, Eryn-Faye, Canada’s Passion Coach, answers an audience member’s question about what they can do to increase variation in their sex life.

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Variety…the Spice of Life

Our four year old daughter is not crazy about spicy foods. It is probably my fault because when I was pregnant with her, I avoided anything and everything that could intensify the excruciating heartburn that I suffered. In our family, however, we value multi-culturism. Eric and I have traveled extensively overseas and believe there is a lot to be learned from exploring and experiencing other cultures. As a result, we vary our menu with foods from other countries. Sometimes, much to the chagrin of our daughter, those foods are spicy. When she complains about the food, our typical response is something along the lines of, “If you want to travel around the world with us, you have to learn to eat new kinds of food.” Since she is desperate to go to Africa, this response is usually sufficient to get her to pick up her fork (with a big glass of water handy to wash the food down) and eat. While she doesn’t necessarily love everything that we make her try, she has a fairly extensive pallet for a child of her age. Sushi currently sits at the top of her favourite foods list, a food that I didn’t get to experience until adulthood.

How did you find out that you liked your steak cooked medium-rare? Or find out that tiramisu is your favourite dessert? Or that you prefer to mix your mashed potatoes with gravy? At some point in your life, you tried it and realized that you liked it. Perhaps you learned your preferences around your family table growing up. Perhaps a person that you really wanted to impress offered something new to try, and you took them up on the offer. I am responsible for the fact that Eric now drinks coffee. When we first started dating, I invited him into my world of addiction to caffeine and he has been a fan ever since.

My point is this – you will never know whether
you enjoy something new unless you try it.

If you are aiming to have a sexual relationship with the same person for decades, then creativity, variety and spontaneity need to be tools in your tool belt. This doesn’t mean that you won’t have your “tried and true” favourites. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a favourite position, or time of day, or type of lighting during your sexual encounters. My husband’s favourite flavour of ice cream is vanilla. No lie. But the reason he knows this is his favourite is that he has tried a bunch of other flavours. That is the difference between having a favourite and an only.

Here is my challenge for you this week. Pick a new position, or time of day, or place to have sex and try it. If you love it, add it to your list of favourites. If you don’t, then put it on the “been there, done that” list. Regardless of which list it lands on, congratulate yourself on being creative in your love life this week. And then write in and let me know about your experience!

How Much is TOO MUCH Sex?

How much sex is too much sex?   That could be a poll, but there would have to be too many answers listed – everyone would have a differing opinion on that question.  But it is a question that gets asked a lot.  It gets asked so often, that Douglas Brown decided to write a book on it

Douglas Brown, the author of the book Just Do It, and his wife committed to have sex 101 days in a row. You heard that right – 101 days in a row.  Excuses were not an option – they couldn’t whine about being tired, or the kids in the next room, or not being in the mood. They very simply did it.

When interviewed at the end of the their experiment, they said they were closer as a couple. They had deeper intimacy, better communication and more romance. Furthermore (and this is the part of the story that I find particularly interesting), they started paying more attention to their bodies.  They began to exercise and eat better.

I suppose this makes sense. If you are spending that much time naked, it would be natural to look at your body more often. The less covered up you are, the more you have to acknowledge yourself “au naturale”. And it got me thinking…summer has begun and we have turned our attention to all those bits that are bigger or flabbier or less toned than we want. What if we could get rid of those parts AND build intimacy with our spouse?

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Here’s my challenge: Make a Sexy Summer Pact with your spouse.

Commit to having sex everyday until mid-August. If you start June 15th and go until August 15th, that is 62 days – far less that Douglas Brown and his wife, but long enough to give you a feel for what it is like to connect every day in a sexual way. How knows? Maybe you will like it so much you will go for the full 101 days!!

Now, I want to be clear about this challenge.  There are quite a few logistics to take into consideration (Mr. Brown had a prescription for Viagra filled as a “just in case” measure – I am not advocating that!!)

If you are going to take up the challenge, here are some considerations and logistics to think about:

  • Define “sex” – Vaginal penetration is not necessary to count as “sex”. In fact, I would encourage you to learn to you satisfy each other in other creative ways too. Need suggestions to get started?

o    Hand jobs – use your hands to help each other reach climax
o    Oral Sex
o    Bedroom toys and vibrators can be used to reach orgasm
o    Mutual masturbation while looking into each other’s eyes
o    Skin Time – just get naked with each other and lay up against one another (Just don’t fall into the trap of only doing this one!!  You both really ought to orgasm – mutual satisfaction is always the goal.)

  • Try different times of the day and locations to add variety and spice
  • Load up on lubricant so that you can take advantage of a quick moment or for hand jobs or toys
  • Use the challenge as an excuse to try new things in the bedroom and talk to each other about your secret fantasies
  • If you are out of town and away from each other, substitute a sexy phone call…and see where that leads!
  • NO EXCUSES!!!

I realize that there are those of us out there who have issues reaching orgasm – physically or psychologically.  This exercise is not intended to single you out or make you feel badly about yourselves or your situation, rather I would hope that this would be an opportunity for you to really explore your sexual relationship with your lover.  Talk, look, explore and learn about each other’s bodies in ways you never have.  The goal is building a whole new level of intimacy, so make sure that is your focus.

Regardless of whether you are motivated to take the pact because of the caloric burn, or the increase in intimacy, or merely because it sounds interesting, have fun!

One more thing…go make a reservation for a nice restaurant right now for August 15th. Book the babysitter too. The two of you can toast your Sexy Summer and discuss what you have both discovered about your relationship during your pact. Maybe you can take your measurements too and see how many inches you have burned off!!

How about it? Are you in? Let me know your feedback. I would love hear from the people who are taking up the challenge!

Eryn-Faye on Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie

On March 15th, Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie asked me to come on the show and talk to them about my role as Canada’s Passion Coach. They wanted the discussion to revolve around the kind of questions that I get asked “behind closed doors” by women and men. The episode is only 24 minutes long (half-hour show) but we cover a lot of ground! You can watch the entire show here. Hope you enjoy!



Watch Eryn-Faye on Marriage Uncensored in Celebrity & Showbiz | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

10 Ways to Reconnect with Your Spouse as Lover

In my business, I often ask couples to tell me what hinders them from having the sex life they dream about. The number one answer that I get is, “the kids.” These parents deeply love their children, but are keenly aware that their sex life began to abate when little Johnnie or little Susie was born. We live in a culture which dotes on children – we make them the center of our world; we make sure that they are exposed to every possible activity so that they can thrive in adulthood; we keep them up with us until we go to bed so that we can spend as much time with them as possible.

The problem with having our kids as an exclusive focus in our marriage is that we forget the romance, the friendship, and the attraction that drew us together in the first place. So many times, couples have very little to say when I ask what they talk about besides the topic of their kids. It seems to be the only thing that they have in common. However, if we want a long-lasting relationship with this person, we need to remember that the kids will eventually leave home (after all, we are raising adults, not children). And when that happens, we want to make sure that our companionship together was not built wholly on them.

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Here are 10 ways that you can stay connected with your spouse as a lover, not just as a parent:

  1. Start dating again. Go on regular dates with your spouse. Begin with once a month and then increase the frequency so that eventually you go on dates once a week. #1 rule of the date: No talking about the kids! If you are struggling about things to talk about, think of things that you used to talk about before the kids came along, what is going on in the world around you, or get a book which gives you questions to ask each other. Learning to talk about as lovers may feel awkward at first, but the more you practice it, the easier it will be.
  2. Establish good sleep patterns for your children. This includes having a regular bedtime for them that is earlier that when you and your spouse go to bed. If your kids are younger, have a set time when they have to be in their rooms even if their lights are not out. Not only is this good for your sex life, but it is also essential for the health of your children.[1] Need some advice on how much sleep your kids actually need? Check out the National Sleep Foundation’s recommendations here.
  3. Establish good sleep patterns for yourself! Oftentimes, we fall into the trap of thinking, “If I stay up later, I can get more done.” However, exhaustion ultimately makes us less effective and it also undermines our sexual relationship (which, in turn, undermines our marriage). So, get into a bedtime routine which ensures that you will get enough hours of sleep. Not sure how much is enough? Find out here.
  4. Take time each day to connect emotionally. Have a time each day where you and your spouse sit down together and have a short conversation without the children present. Let the children know that Mom and Dad need ten minutes alone and make sure that they have something that can keep them occupied and safe during this time. This allows you to connect daily but it also models to your children the importance of your relationship together as a couple. They will reap the benefits of this modeling when they have their own relationships.
  5. Make sex a priority. Sex is the one thing that sets your spouse apart from a really good friend. It is the physical and spiritual connection that you have with this special someone that you share with no other. Set up “sex dates” so that you don’t allow too much time to pass between sexual encounters. Get answers to any physical difficulties that you are experiencing. Stop making excuses (when the kids get older, this will get better…).
  6. Ensure privacy. Are you one of those people who can’t get past the idea of your children walking in on you in the throes of passion? Start teaching your children the importance of Mommy-Daddy alone time. This is time when the two of you focus solely on each other.  It doesn’t have to be sex every time, but once the kids understand the importance of the uninterrupted time, you can worry less about, well, interruptions. But just to be on the safe side, put a lock on your door and get a white noise machine so that you can ensure that you will not be seen or heard by the kids. After all, the modeling I spoke of earlier only goes so far!
  7. Begin a regular exercise routine. What does this have to do with sex??? The science behind arousal is all about blood flow. When you are working out on a consistent basis, you are increasing blood flow to your extremities and you can reap the benefits of this in the bedroom. Not convinced? Exercising also leads to a better body image, helps us sleep better and reduces stress – all of which make intimacy easier.
  8. Variety is the spice of life! We all have our favorites (and knowing your spouse’s favorites is great way to make your marriage sizzle) but variety expands our horizons. How do you find our whether your kids like PB&J sandwiches? Or curry? Or sushi? You let them try. So, add something new to your “menu” once a month. If you both hate it, then scratch it off the list of things you will do again. However, you might be surprised and find a new favourite!
  9. Find out what makes your spouse feel loved. As spouse who feels loved is much more likely to want to jump into bed. Do they need a back massage? A heart-to-heart talk? An afternoon away from the kids? A compliment on how good they look? A love note tucked into the laptop? How about the having the toilets scrubbed? Find out what sets the stage for romance for your lover and then do it unbidden.
  10. Get out of town! Vacation sex is the best. The kids aren’t around (so you don’t have to be quiet or worry about them walking in on you), you can sleep when you want to, you don’t have to get home to a babysitter and you have time to linger. Figure out a way to spend at least one weekend a year away from the kids and try to increase this frequency as the years go on. If you don’t have a relative or babysitter to watch the kids, do an exchange with friends. You take their kids one weekend and then they take your kids another weekend. It’s a win/win for both couples.

Not to put too fine a point on it, there is a reason KT Oslin wrote the lyrics “Don’t kiss me like we’re married…Kiss me like we’re lovers”. All too often we separate the two – especially once kids come along. Never let that passion for each other fade away. It is much easier to stay connected in the first place than it is to re-connect after years of simply parenting together. As my husband likes to say, “parallel parenting is great so long as you can be horizontal in the bedroom too!”

If the spark is fading, then take the steps now to rekindle the passion that you once had (or always wanted). If you still “got it”, then don’t lose it through neglect. Work on it like you were losing it, and you will always have it!


[1] In the September 1 Issue of the Journal of SLEEP, Jacques Montplaisir, MD, of the Sleep Disorders Center at Sacre-Coeur Hospital in Montreal, Canada concluded that children who do not get enough sleep are at higher risk of obesity, ADHD and slower cognitive abilities.

Great Sex Starts With Your Mouth

Great sex starts with your mouth! No, I am not talking about oral sex (at least, not right now), but I am talking about communication!

Even though we are blitzed every day with media images about sex, we still have such a hard time talking about the details of sex particularly with our spouses! This is such a shame, because talking together builds intimacy which then spills over into the bedroom.

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When was the last time the two of you talked about sex? I don’t mean when was the last time you fought about it. When was the last time you had a time where the two of you were alone, and were able to talk about what you love the most about your sex life together. Not sure where to start?

Here are some tips for talking about your sex life:

  • Don’t do it in the bedroom. While giving feedback in the moment can be helpful in some circumstances, if that is the first time you have ever talked about sex, this could backfire on you! Instead, go out for coffee together or take a walk in the park, or have dinner, and talk about what you love. If you are nervous about it, jot down some notes before hand so you can read them to your spouse – or give them the list to read. Better yet, both of you can write out lists and then switch them over dinner.
  • Ask open-ended questions. When is your favorite time of the day or night to have sex? Where is your favorite place to have sex? What is your “Top Five List” for best sex together? What is the most pleasurable way to orgasm? All of these questions are designed to just get you to start talking, so you don’t have to worry about answering them all at once. Consider this an opportunity to have multiple dates with your spouse.
  • What you focus on will grow. Don’t spend your time talking about what doesn’t work; instead, talk about what does work. If one of you has a higher sex drive than the other (and contrary to cultural opinion, this can be either the man or the woman), then talk about the times you have had sex and what was pleasurable, enjoyable, and intimate about those times. Talk about what attracted you to each other in the first place. Discuss the love you feel for your spouse when he/she does . The more you focus on the positive aspects of your relationship, the more likely you are to recognize those things in your spouse.

And once you get the answers from your lover, make sure you incorporate them into your sex life. Does your spouse love deep kissing? Then remember back to the line from KD Lang’s song “Don’t kiss me like we’re married, kiss me like we’re lovers”. Put it into practice. Does your spouse love variety in the bedroom? Then surprise them with something new – research a new position, put new lighting in the room, pick a new place to have sex. Talking, listening, implementing – all of these are incredibly important to a great sex life!

More Questions to Open Up the Discussion on Sex

  • When is your favourite time of the day or night to have sex?
  • Where is your favourite place to have sex?
  • What is your “Top Five List” for best sex together?
  • What is the most pleasurable way to orgasm?
  • What do you enjoy me doing the most?
  • What body part do you enjoy me touching?
  • Do you have any fantasies about sex?
  • If so, what are they?
  • What makes you feel most connected to me?
  • What gets you horny?