Relational Eroticism Part 2

I am not a history teacher by any means, but I have heard the comment that those who do not study the past are destined to repeat it.  I understood that statement to be an indictment on ignorance, and I have never wanted to be ignorant.  So, in order to “study the past” I became a student of it, mostly by watching the History Channel and Mel Gibson movies every now and again.  And one of my, now less so, guarded secrets is that I love watching the History Channel.  I was watching it the other day when my husband walked in.  He stared at the screen for a moment and saw men dressed up in medieval armor and turned and looked at me…waiting for some explanation as to why I was watching historical battles reenacted. I didn’t really have one other than a meek, “there wasn’t anything else on.”  But the truth is that I found it fascinating.

I love the names we have given to periods of time in history:  “The Dark Ages”, “The Renaissance”, “The Age of Enlightenment”…these all sound so romantic.  It’s way better than simply saying, “I grew up in the 70’s!  Best I have is “The Age of Bellbottoms and Awful Moustaches”, and that doesn’t roll off the tongue.

Just like looking back at pictures from the 1970’s and wondering how on earth our parents could have thought those clothes were fashionable in any way, when we look back on other ages in history it is always interesting to see what odd and even ignorant perceptions and paradigms people held so dear to themselves.

For instance, look at the so-called “Middle Ages” or “Dark Ages” for instance.  It was not until hundreds of years later that scholars began to use those terms for it, and it quickly took on a derogatory meaning.  It became a way to sum up that section of time by focusing on what was deemed to be “wrong with it.”  For a while it was called the “Age of Faith” because religion reigned supreme in the culture. Later, when this was deemed to be inappropriate because it is in direct conflict with the subsequent deification of intellect and man, scholars began referring to that period of history as “barbaric” and “priest-ridden”, and spoke of “these dark times”, “the centuries of ignorance”, and “the uncouth centuries”.

By the same token, these same scholars began calling their own time the “Age of Enlightenment.”  Thanks to the great oracle Google, I can tell you that, The Age of Enlightenment (or simply the Enlightenment) is a term used to describe a time in Western philosophy and cultural life, in which reason was advocated as the primary source and legitimacy for authority.  In fact, during this time reason was held to be the primary value of society.  Reason was prized above authority, intuition, emotion, mysticism, superstition, and faith.

Why am I forcing you into my private interest in history?  Because there are things we can learn from the past.  In fact, our current culture is shaped, in many ways, by cultural past. Studies have been done that show as much as 90% of our beliefs are secondary - meaning, that we either heard or read it, but did not personally experience it, and yet we believe it to be true. So when we hear “Dark Ages” we believe those times to be “bad” and when we hear “Enlightenment” we believe those times to be “good”.  What follows from that are logical conclusions that we should do like those who were “enlightened” and not be like those who were “ignorant”.   The pendulum has swung fully from a time where mysticism and faith (belief in that which cannot be seen or explained) were revered to a place where reason and understanding reign supreme.  Anything that cannot be fully known, understood, and explained in minute detail is not to be trusted.

The problem with this, like with any over-reaction, is that we have thrown the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.  Believe me, I too love to know and understand things.  When my husband is telling me something, I often serenade him with a chorus us “details, details…I WANT DETAILS!!!”  Seriously, I really do sing this to him.  It’s cute when I do it.  Seriously.

Anyway, the point here is that I am like everyone else when it comes to knowing things.  I want to know.  I need to know.  It’s my God-given right to know!  And therefore I tend to not trust things that I do not really understand.

This same philosophy has wormed its way into our belief about relationships.  I cannot tell you how many people have told me that they “deserve to know” every detail of their lover’s past and present in every area of their life.  And if they don’t know every detail, then they assume that things are being hidden and if things are being hidden then they must be bad or they wouldn’t hide them, and if they hide things then they don’t trust them, and if they don’t trust them then they cannot truly love them…and round and round the circle goes - each link in the chain assuming more and more negative qualities and it will become a major block in a relationship (if not a causal link to it failing).  Somehow in marriage we have come to the point where we actively and intentionally strive to eliminate all mystery.  We lose tolerance for a spouse who loads the dishwasher differently than we do - we don’t even bother to see why they do it a different way, we just know that our way is better.  We lose all tolerance for ambiguity - everything has to be nice and predictable.  Orderly.  Able to be quantified and classified.  Simple and easy to explain and understand.

The problem with this banal perspective is that it is, well, boring.  And aside from boring, it by definition extinguishes any erotic life from marriage.  Eroticism thrives in an atmosphere of mystery.  It allows for, and even encourages, spontaneity.  It provides fodder for our powerful imaginations to re-engage in the area of sex.   We regain a sense of wonder about sex.

I love the wording of that phrase: sense of wonder.  The very word bestows us with permission to not know.  To wonder is to not be sure - to not know.  And yet, one of the things we revere about children is their unadulterated sense of wonder - their amazing ability to simply look at things in awe without the overwhelming desire to understand it all.  They can take things at face value and appreciate them for what they are on the surface.  Faith comes easy to them.

We as adults, on the other hand, almost pride ourselves on our cynicism.  No one will take advantage of us.  We have ubiquitous sayings that permeate our sub-conscious like, “fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me” or “if it seems too good to be true, then it is” or “I’m from Missouri, SHOW ME.”  We require proof.  In many ways we still cling to the pendulum that swung so far.

This is because, in North America, our thinking has been so radically impacted by the Age of Enlightenment. We can rationalize and explain virtually everything in our world. Intellectual discourse is high on our list of values. If I can explain things more articulately than you then I win the debate. We put very little value on mystery, on that which cannot be explained. Even our “mystery” shows on TV - CSI and Bones among others - are tied up neatly with a bow at the end of the episode. Shows which refuse to explain every little nuance - the show Lost comes to mind - drive us insane. (Why can’t they just tell us what is up with that island anyways?!)

And so it is with our relationships. Can’t communicate well? Head to your local bookstore and look through the thousands of self-help books. Or even better, flip on Dr. Phil - he will give you an answer. Can’t sustain an erection? Go to the doctor and get a prescription of Viagra or Cialis filled. If that doesn’t work, you can research penis implant surgery.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that diligently seeking solutions to life’s problems is wrong. Au contraire - I wholeheartedly advocate being solution-oriented. And yet, there are times when we cannot find answers. Times when the prescription medication he is taking to keep him alive has devastating side effects on his libido and despite all the things you have tried, nothing can take away the ache that he doesn’t pursue you like he once did. Times where even though she has never had an orgasm with you, she finally confesses that she cannot live like this any more. Even though you have tried and tried, nothing is working and your fear that she will leave is escalating with each failed attempt.

In these moments, do we stop looking for solutions? No.

Rather we have to act like the love illegitimate love child of Mulder and Scully from the X-Files.  While looking for answers, we have to simultaneously learn to embrace the ambiguity of mystery. We choose to learn from the very fact that we do not know the answers. Contrary to everything our culture teaches us, we realize that we can grow from not knowing. We choose to see this mystery box as something that will weave richness into our life’s story rather than an inconvenience that needs to be immediately eradicated.

Richard Rohr calls this place “liminal space.” He says, “It is when you have left the “tried and true” but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else… It is when you are in between your old comfort zone and any possible new answer. It is no fun.”

No, it is not fun. However, if we can survive liminal space without bailing out too early for cheap and easy answers, we reap incredibly rich rewards: we become adept at dealing with anxiety, living with ambiguity, and stoking the flames of eroticism.

You thought I had forgotten about eroticism. Trust me…I’m getting there, but we have to build the foundation first. Next week: Exploring the Mystery of the Erotic or The Truth Erotic is Out There…

Relational Eroticism

One of the most profound talks I have ever seen took place when JJ Abrams spoke at the TED Conference. If you are not yet familiar with TED, you really should be. It is a conference held each year on topics which relate to Technology, Entertainment and Design. Experts from all around the world are invited to speak about their field of study in 18 minutes or less. God himself would only be allotted 18 minutes to speak at TED. And while it costs about $6,000 to buy a ticket to the conference - if you can get one at all - you can watch the talks online for free.

Back in March 2007, JJ Abrams spoke on mystery. When he was a young boy, his grandfather was the instrumental person in his life that encouraged both his love of mysteries and as well as his exploration into how things work. One of his grandfather’s gifts to him was a box of magic tricks advertised to have $50 worth of magic for only $15. Abrams has carried that box around with him for years, never opening it, as a reminder of his grandfather and the wonder of what the box might actually hold. As long as he keeps it closed, there is mystery. Abrams contends that “Mystery is the catalyst for imagination” and “there are times when mystery is more important than knowledge.”

If you want to watch his TED talk in its entire 18 minutes, click here - JJ Abrams - Magic Box .

The reason, he continues, that mystery trumps knowledge is that we crave “mystery boxes” in our stories. They are the lifeblood of entertainment.   Take Star Wars for example:

You got the droids; they meet the mysterious woman. Who’s that? We don’t know. Mystery box! Then you meet Luke Skywalker. He gets the droids, you see the holographic image. You learn, Oh, it’s a message. She wants to, you know, find Obi Wan Kenobi. He’s her only hope. But who’s Obi Wan Kenobi? Mystery box!  So he goes to Old Ben Kenobi and it turns out he is Obi Wan Kenobi and he knew Luke’s father.  But who is Luke’s father?  Mystery box!

It is these mystery boxes which draw us into the story. They stimulate our imagination. They are the great unknown. They bond us to the characters. They are the twists and turns which we do not expect but utterly delight us. That is our attitude…at least when they are happening on screen.

But what happens when we encounter mystery boxes in our own lives? Typically, we get very annoyed. They are inconvenient. They deter us from easy and fun things in our lives. They don’t fit into our neat and tidy version of a picture-perfect life.

However, if we were to translate our lives into a movie script, they would look like this:

• My 13 month old daughter was just diagnosed with a potentially life-threatening illness. We don’t know what is coming next. Mystery box.
• There is a world-wide economic downturn. How are we going to make it financially? Mystery box.
• My husband has just been put on anti-depressants which are killing his libido. How do we manage that? Mystery box.

In our personal lives, we want to - in fact we demand to - rip open the mystery box to see what is inside. The very circumstances that would make our life’s story a block-buster hit on screen are what we want to immediately eradicate. We want all the answers right here, right now. But the irony of the mystery box is that once you rip it open, all the possibilities are gone. Suddenly the anticipation of $50 worth of magic is replaced by the fact that you actually only got a bunch of cheap tricks.

And yet, if you are going to experience eroticism in your relationship, you are going to have to endure a bit of mystery.

How on earth do eroticism and mystery have anything to do with each other?

They have everything to do with each other. Think about it - when did you have the most passion and eroticism with your lover? I would put money on the earlier days of your relationship. Those were the days when we would kiss for hours; we would talk until 4 in the morning; we could not wait to get a phone call during the day from each other. To quote the band, The Police, it was the period in our relationship when “Every little thing she does is magic.”

Ironically, those were also the days when we knew very little about each other. Our hunger to become more knowledgeable of each other drove our passions. The very mystery of this new person sparked eroticism. But as we began to understand each other, as we began to grow deeper in love, and as we melded our worlds together, the eroticism faded.

In his book The Kosher Sutra, Shmuley Boteach describes it as such: “[Eroticism] is much like a secret that you long to hear. As soon as its contents are revealed, it has ceased to be a secret and in the process it has ceased to be interesting or erotic.”

If I had to wager a guess right now, I would bet that you have a lot of knowledge about your spouse but not a lot of mystery. I would further guess that you miss the passion that you once had in your relationship. Those two circumstances are intrinsically entwined.

So how do we nurture a relationship of intimacy over decades with our spouse and still experience mystery?

This is the topic I am going to be discussing over my next few blogs. Together, we will explore how the Age of Enlightenment and the accompanying deification of reason threatens to destroy the passion in our relationships. We will look at the annoyances of dealing with ambiguity and the importance of seeing our lovers through fresh eyes. We will brainstorm about ways to increase the erotic in our marriages. And somewhere, in the midst of all of this, I hope that we will begin once again feel the flames of passion. Perhaps we will even want to rip the clothes off of our lovers once again. Stay tuned.

Anal Sex in Marriage - A Guest Post

It’s a beautiful evening and the kids are gone to grandma’s house.  There is a fire in the fireplace, the candles are lit, and the music is low and sultry.  You are kissing and fondling and things are quickly moving to the next level when you feel your husband’s fingers at the entrance of the forbidden zone!  Oh no, wait, that isn’t his finger at all!  As this realization hits your face, your wonderful soul-mate husband of many years leans over and whispers in your ear…”feeling adventurous?”

Ever happened to you?  Well, this scenario (with various different changes) is played out in marital beds all over.  I’ve had women to ask me why in the world their husband seems so infatuated with their bottom.  To me the answer is pretty simple.  Men get sexual gratification from sticking their member into small damp holes.  Once a man and woman are married, their bodies belong to each other.  Of course it’s only natural for a husband to think of all the places he can go with it.  The three holes that are large enough to accommodate a penis are the mouth, vagina, and anus.  A simple, mildly blunt explanation as to why a husband may be intrigued or interested in anal sex.

It would be unfair though; to say that husbands are the only ones interested in back door play.  Many women are also curious about this ‘taboo’ subject.  In my own marriage, I have always been the aggressor when it comes to anal play/sex.  I had experimented myself during some alone time and found that there really are some nerve endings at the entrance of the anus that feel so pleasurable when stimulated!  I told my husband about it and asked if he minded using a finger there from time to time during intercourse.  The results were mind-blowing orgasms that made me melt and made him feel pretty good too!

So… how does a couple know if it’s really okay to try anal sex?  I firmly believe that a married couple should feel free to try almost anything they want to in their own marriage bed.  I draw the line at involving a third party, which includes other people physically and also pornography (this could be a whole other article in itself).  A healthy marriage is between the husband, wife, and God.  I also draw the line with sex acts that will hurt or demean one of you.  If you are involved in an act that makes you feel humiliated or degraded, then that act is unhealthy for your marriage.  That is a gateway for resentment to set in.

Anal sex can be very pleasurable for some women.  (Notice I said some and not all.)  We hear about orgasms that start from the clitoris or from the G-spot, but there are many women out there who swear that they have had orgasms originating from their anus.  I believe them because it’s happened to me as well.  But for all the women who claim to love anal sex, there seem to be just as many who don’t like it at all.  For some women it seems degrading and for others it’s uncomfortable or just down right painful.  Communication is so important here.  If you are curious about it, then TALK to your spouse!  Ask them how they feel about trying some anal play.  Find out if he/she is uncomfortable with the idea.  Discuss any concerns openly with each other.  There are some possible medical issues that could result from participating in anal sex, including infection and damage to the rectum, so it would be wise to research this together before deciding on trying it. If you find that your concerns and uneasiness outweigh the curiosity and eagerness, then you probably need to stop and back up a bit.  If you and your spouse have researched this topic and feel like it is something you’d like to try together, then here are a few things to keep in mind.

• You need to start small with a pinky finger or similar sized toy and gradually work your way up to the size of the husband’s penis.  You may find that you can’t accommodate your husband’s penis but you do like the feel of his index finger.
• STOP if you get to something that hurts. DO NOT try to “push past the pain.”  If there is pain it’s there for a reason and should be taken as a warning.  You are looking for sexual pleasure, not something that hurts you.
• There is no such thing as too much lube. Use copious amounts of it, all over you and your husband.  Use the amount you think you’ll need, and then add some more.
• Go slow and let her be in charge. Let her choose the position that she likes and allow her to set the pace.  It may take several minutes for her to be able to handle the full monty, so be patient and wait until she is ready for more.  Short, slow strokes are best to start off with.

You may wonder how in the world anal sex can deepen intimacy in marriage.  Over the last few years I’ve heard many stories of this, including one woman who wrote to me explaining how she had been sexually active with several other men before marrying her husband.  In her marriage, anal sex was a very intimate and bonding act for the simple reason that she had never had anal sex with any other man.  Her promiscuous past included vaginal sex with other men, but they both knew that the only man she had ever had anal intercourse with was her husband.  Thus, it became a very intimate act between them.

Like all other sex acts, this is a decision that is left up to each individual couple.  Anal sex isn’t for everyone.  It’s not the be-all end-all sex act.  It’s simply one out of hundreds of things that a married couple should feel free to try, if they both want to.  If both of you aren’t on the same page about it, then choose another book.  It shouldn’t be a divisive issue.  So communicate, research, and make a decision together.  And above all, have fun!

Cumingirl is a devoted wife and full time mom of two living in the USA.  She is one of the co-creators of www.christiannymphos.org.  Their website is considered by many to be groundbreaking in its ability to intertwine sex and the Christian faith.  The site was launched as a way to teach married women to walk in sexual freedom with their husbands.

What’s All the BUZZ About?

From pre-engaged individuals to those with over 30 years of marriage - people always seem to have the same questions when it comes to the “taboo” subject of bedroom toys.  And so many don’t know where to go for the answers. But now it’s finally here!  Eryn-Faye’s first behind the scenes e-book focused specifically on Bedroom Toys.

From the perspective that only Canada’s Passion Coach can bring, Eryn-Faye targets the questions you are asking with the answers you are seeking. Eryn-Faye covers it all - from the basics of what a bedroom toy is (and isn’t) to how to talk about them with your lover.

With her trademark humor and frankness, she broaches topics you care about - Are they dirty?  Can I get addicted to them?  Why would I even want one? It’s all in there.  Wondering if you (or your lover) will become “unnecessary”?  She covers that too.

From communication skills to the infamous “walk of shame” when leaving an adult bookstore - Eryn-Faye deals with all of it. The Top 8 Questions Couples Ask About Bedroom Toys are all in here.

Isn’t it time you stopped wondering and started knowing?

You can purchase What’s All the BUZZ About for just $5 USD.

Simply click the Add to Cart button to purchase this exciting eBook!

From Resolutions to Goals

Somewhere between the “this food is awesome” appetizer and the “I am so full I could puke” course of our fondue meal on New Year’s Eve, one of our friends broached the topic of resolutions. There were a few smirks, a few comments mentioning the same ol’ same ol’. Lose weight. Make more money. Blah, blah. After a bit of awkwardness due to the lack of enthusiasm around the subject, my husband finally put an end to the discussion when he announced that in 1992 (the year we met, ironically enough) he made a New Year’s resolution to never make a resolution again. In all his years, it is the only one which he has successfully kept.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your view, not everyone makes resolutions like my husband.  For the vast majority of us, at the beginning of each year, there is an innate desire to start fresh and an overwhelming desire to commit to that fresh start. For some of us, we let go of the past year with a tinge of regret for it was good to us. For others, we look to the new year with a bit of desperation. “Thank God that year is over; this year has to be better” we mutter as we clink our glasses of champagne at midnight. There is something slightly magical about that hour. It’s as if we can turn the page on the divorce or house fire or grief which marred the year. We can begin a new chapter.

But just as we begin to feel hopeful and excited, cynicism sets in. If you resolve to make a change in your life, how long can it actually last? In North America, the average New Year’s resolution lasts for three weeks. Culturally, we can’t even cut it for a month. Perhaps we are lazy. Perhaps we get distracted. Perhaps we feel overwhelmed. Perhaps we don’t make our resolution a goal that we can actually achieve.

(Vote in the poll - what’s the longest you have kept a New Year’s Resolution?)

Regardless of our reasons, the frightening thing about our inability to stick it out is that the very minimum amount of time that it takes to form a new habit is 21 days. Neurologically, when we create new habits, we are forming new pathways in the brain and actually replacing our old habits with new ones. If we are not constantly reinforcing the new actions (and yes, that means every single day without fail) the old habits are going to remain dominant. In fact, NASA did experiments which indicated that this process can take anywhere from 25 days to 30 days. Essentially, people are bailing out of their resolutions just as their new habits are beginning to take root.

I say all of this to offer hope. Goal setting can be an incredibly powerful tool when used properly. When I see clients who want to see change in their relationship…

I tell them to give goal setting a P.A.S.S.

P - Positive

My aunt has a saying, “What you focus on will grow.” The concept is borne of the ancient wisdom, “seek and you shall find”. If you are diligently looking for something, you are going to find it. How does this have anything to do with goal setting?

Let’s say you created the goal “I want to stop nagging my husband.” What are you going to be focused on? Nagging! You will be counting up the number of nags each week and comparing them to nags last week.

When you redefine your goal to be positively stated, think of it this way: when you have stopped nagging, what will you be doing instead? You have all this free time now so what are you going to do with it? You might say, “I want to thank my husband when he demonstrates his love to me” or, “I want to tell my husband that he is a good father” or “I want to give my husband a back rub when he gets home.”

Now your focus will change to the positive actions that you are taking and you will notice.

A - Action-oriented

Many people make the mistake of making a goal of feeling good. Obviously, we all want to be happy in life, but defining your goals around your feelings is at best ambiguous and at worst a completely frustrating endeavour. Instead I encourage my clients to focus on actions they can take.  Having consistently taken those actions, the feelings and emotions will be the rewards that follow.

So, for example, some people resolve “to love their husbands more in 2010.”  An admirable goal for sure, but what does that mean in real terms?

What if you say instead: I want to greet me my husband with a kiss every day when he gets home from work. Or, I want to tell my husband that I love him at least once a day.

Those are specific, quantifiable things that we can measure. You will know whether you have success in your goal or not because the actions were either taken or they were not.  The feelings of loving your husband more will flow out of your intentional actions - because what you focus on grows!

S - Short-term

If you have a huge goal, I applaud you. Around our household, we call these BHAGs (BEE-hags) for Big Hairy Audacious Goal. I love big hopes and dreams and goals. I think everyone needs to have a BHAG that s/he is working towards because it takes our eyes off of the immediate and gives us hope for something big.

However, every large goal has to be broken down into small, bite-sized pieces. In order to get to achieve success, you are going to have a myriad of short-term, one month, one week, one day goals which are going to get you there. After all, “a journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step.”

The benefit of these shorter-term goals is twofold. First, once you taste success, you are motivated to have more. Secondly, consistency will propel you towards your overall goal. It’s the old hare vs. turtle story - as you plug away faithfully, you will eventually get there.

If you want to see change in your relationship, I would recommend a goal that you can reach by Valentine’s Day which is about six weeks away. It is long enough (even by NASA’s standards) to engrain a new habit, but short enough to taste success. Once you have determined what you want to do over the next six weeks then break that goal down into chunks of one week goals, one day goals and so forth.

S - Specific

It is imperative that your goal identifies a specific action to be done a specific number of times in a specific period. If you want to have more sex in your relationship over the next six weeks, what does that look like? Is that one time? Or three or six or twelve?

Consider this as a goal instead, “I want to have sex with my spouse at least two times a week from now until Valentine’s Day. Mondays and Thursdays are probably the easiest to aim for because we have more energy on those days.”

So What Now?

Although it might seem counter-intuitive in our culture which thrives on the belief that faster is better, there is an old adage which holds a lot of truth: “good change is slow change.”

1. So slow down and think longer term, then
2. Clearly define what you want to see over the next several weeks,
3. Pick specific, tangible things you are going to do each day, and finally
4. Be consistent in fulfilling your daily assignments for yourself.

Set Valentine’s Day as your initial time commitment to this goal.  Do your daily tasks every day until Valentine’s Day.

At the very least, you will have succeeded more that the rest of North America.  And you can celebrate that success together with your lover!

NEW - Guest Writers for erynfaye.com

Socrates said that “An unexamined life is not worth living” and I couldn’t agree more. If we are not looking at what makes us think and behave the way we do, then we get mired down in patterns that are utterly predictable and, well, incredibly boring and tedious.

If I do nothing else on this website, I hope that I spark your interest in looking to see your lover in new ways and deepening your love and respect for each other.

One of the best ways to examine our own lives is by listening to the thoughts and perspectives of others. For nearly a year now, you have listened to what I have to say. Do not fear - I have no intentions of being quiet anytime soon. However, I have decided to invite guest writers to share their own ruminations on passion, love and intimacy. These guests come from various walks of life and all have thoroughly different perspectives, opinions and insights to share with you.

Some of these people are professional writers; others are not. Some of them will provide their own articles; others prefer an interview style. Some approach the subject with a clinical eye; others will share deeply personal stories.

Whatever format or voice they choose, remember this: it is through thoughtful discussion and discourse that we learn and grow.

Having said that, here is a suggestion for a “blogger date” with your spouse: When the guest posts come out, sit down and read the article together and then talk about the implications in your own love life. What strikes you as funny or odd or truly fantastic? Does the article seem out in left field or does it hit amazingly close to home? What can you incorporate in your own love life? What do you want to blush and laugh about?

Get ready to have your first blogger date on January 12^th.

I am delighted to announce that my first guest writer will be Cumingirl from Christian Nymphos.

Cumingirl will be writing on Anal Sex in Marriage.

Cumingirl is a devoted wife and full time mom of two living in the USA.  She is one of the co-creators of www.christiannymphos.org.  Their website is considered by many to be groundbreaking in its ability to intertwine sex and the Christian faith.  The site was launched as a way to teach married women to walk in sexual freedom with their husbands.

What do you wish for more of in your sexual relationship?

3 Ways to Help Your Wife Orgasm

In this short Q&A, Eryn-Faye, Canada’s Passion Coach, answers an audience member’s question about how to help your wife orgasm.

Download this file as a .mov file for your Quick Time player OR as a .m4v file for your ipod OR as a .mp3 file to listen to the audio on itunes

These boots are made for…

When we were down in Texas a couple weeks ago, my husband wanted to buy a new pair of cowboy boots. Now, he has been talking about it for years - since he wore his last pair out, and we decided that we would get them this trip. We walked into the boot store and it was immediately obvious that his thoughts on what constituted a good pair were vastly different than mine. All we had to do was look at the price tag and see that what I had in mind was much more, let’s put it, refined, than what he was thinking. But, I am practical too, so I quickly passed by the $450 boots made from some exotic animal that had immediately caught my eye.

It wasn’t long before I was able to find a pair (much, much cheaper) that I fell in love with. However, they looked very different from what my husband had been thinking. He had been planning on getting a pair of old-school cowboy boots - “on the ranch” type of boots. I was thinking… something a bit…sexier. He sighed a bit, but was willing to try on the boots that I showed him because he has, over the years, learned what I find attractive.

You see, when we first got married, I would get all dressed up for dates. In Texas, there is quite a tradition that a young woman follows when she goes on a date with a guy for the first time. She spends hours getting ready - trying on endless outfits, spending a lengthy amount of time in the shower, extending the process by calling friends and asking for their opinions, carefully applying makeup. And when the young man rings the doorbell, a member of her family answers. Because she is not ready. Ever. It doesn’t matter if she has actually been ready for an hour, it is custom for her to make him wait.

Usually during this time, the young man will be introduced to the young woman’s father. And his gun. A conversation will then ensue which falls along the lines of, “If you ever hurt my daughter, I will kill you.  Most likely with this gun here.  And I won’t feel bad about it.”  Make no mistake - the rules of engagement are crystal clear when the couple leaves for their date.

Of course, as the relationship develops, things become a bit more casual. The father may actually invite the young man to watch a football game with him and crack a few dirty jokes. The young lady might actually be ready on time.

And so it went with our relationship. However, even after we got married I still spent the time and effort getting dressed well for our dates. And Eric got, well, comfortable. Ratty jeans and running shoes were common. This infuriated me. I did not find this attractive at all.

After years of disappointment and knock-down drag-outs, it finally dawned on him that putting some effort into how he looked for me on our dates was important. The running shoes got tucked up on the shoe rack for things like - running. The jeans were clean and completely intact - no holes! He even ran a bit of gel through his hair. Because, while he might have thought that just being him was all it took to be attractive, I needed to see him dressed well. It was part of the whole package for me.

This learning curve is why he was so open to trying on the boots that I found. He was putting effort into listening to what I find attractive.  And listen he did, in fact, he ended up getting the boots I liked. And he loves them. Perhaps it is all the compliments he has been getting on them (from men and women alike), or perhaps it is the fact that I can’t keep my hands off him when he wears them.

Either way, it’s working for him.

Thanksgiving: Act “as if”

As I begin to write this article, George Michael floats into my mind. For the record, I am referring to the sexy, hotter-than-hell George Michael, not the creepy guy who got caught engaging in “lewd acts” in a public bathroom. And, I am sure that most of you are assuming that I am thinking about his song, “I want your sex”. But I am actually reflecting on his song, “Faith”. The tight, ripped jeans were enough to make a woman swoon. But I digress.

Recently, faith has been popping up on my radar screen frequently. I am currently coaching a woman who is separated from her husband but is longing to have him come home. He is taking all sorts of actions which most people would view as intolerable. Most people would recommend that this lady kick her husband to the curb and move on. In fact, her friends are boggled that she is still pursuing reconciliation. But she believes, deep in her heart, that she wants this man despite all the crap. In fact, she believes that they can grow as a couple because of the crap. She believes. She hopes. She has faith.

Faith is believing in things we cannot yet see. Having faith that our spouse will come back home. Believing that our sex life will indeed get better. Believing that marriage does not have to be dull, boring, monotonous. Believing that we can truly have our needs met within the context of this current relationship.

When we “act as if”, we are putting this faith into action. This “act as if” approach to life is echoed in the works of people such as Jack Canfield, Michele Weiner Davis and others. The basic concept is that when we “act as if” everything we want is about to happen has already happened or is in the process of happening, people’s attitudes and actions change around us. Because we are responding differently to the same set of circumstances, they cannot help but respond differently as well.

Think of it like a dance. When my husband and I dance, he makes this move, and I respond with this move. He puts his feet in this place, and I position my feet in this next position. As with partners on the dance floor who have practiced for years, our marriages can run on autopilot. He makes the dinner, and I clean up. He makes the first move in bed, and I respond. I tidy up the house, and he does the yard work. He tells me how beautiful I am and I write notes for him to find around the house. If both parties are happy with this arrangement and it is working for their marriage, then it is a wonderful benefit of being married. Sometimes being on autopilot is efficient - it saves time from negotiating each and every task or interpersonal exchange.

Inevitably though, things change over time. Perhaps a child came along, and so the person in charge of charge of initiating sex rolls over and falls asleep instead. Perhaps a new, more time consuming job comes along and so the house doesn’t get tidied as often. Maybe someone gets sick, and so the dinner routine becomes ordering take out. Sometimes the compliments and little notes become casualties of the immediacy of life. If couples are able to negotiate these changes in life with open communication about their expectations and needs, and find that there is compromise (at the very least) on these expectations and needs, then usually things proceed on well.

However, when couples become disappointed with each other because of lack of or ineffective communication, the dance can change from something that is fun to watch and be a part of, into one which is jarring and uncomfortable. No longer do the steps flow, but now he steps on her foot and she jerks back and he lurches forward to catch her and she moves her feet out of the way to avoid getting stepped on again. And yet, if the couple doesn’t stop and take stock of what is off-course, it is easy to fall into a new, awkward (if not painful) dance pattern.

It might look like this: he doesn’t seem happy anymore so she is cautious when he walks through the door. He sees that she is not exuberant to see him, and so he brushes past her to go see the kids. She feels ignored and so she doesn’t ask him about his day. He feels insignificant so after dinner, he withdraws to watch TV. She follows him into the TV room and complains that he never talks to her anymore. He feels nagged and responds by withdrawing further, maybe even to the guest room for the night. And on and on. Many times we have our own “dances” that we fall into - patterns which are highly predictable when we actually break them down into their individual steps.

The advantage of recognizing these patterns is that it empowers us to do something different. And we don’t both have to recognize the pattern - one of us will do. In fact, one small change in that old familiar pattern can affect a whole new chain of events.

“Acting as if” is a powerful tool in changing the pattern. So, in the example above, what if the wife’s reaction to her husband’s unhappiness had been to greet him at the door with a warm, “welcome home, honey” as if he was walking through the door as happy as could be? Or he had seen her cautious behaviour and gave her a big hug anyways? Either of those actions could have circumvented the other steps which led to his sleeping the guest room. Because when we “act as if” our demeanor, attitude and requests change and this has a domino effect in the lives around us. It is not being inauthentic or untrue to ourselves or play-acting, it is making a choice to see things through the eyes of faith and behave differently as a result.

This Thanksgiving season, what do you want to be thankful for? What do you have faith for? What are you holding on to believing for even though you cannot yet see the results? How can you “act as if” those results are already here?

Here are some ideas on how you can put this into practice:

• Imagine that everything was going the way you wanted it to, think about how would you be acting differently? Then act as if it is.

• Consider your current situation in your relationship.  Ask yourself if your circumstances have this changed how you act/react to him/her?  If the answer is yes, then go back to how you acted/reacted to him/her when things were going well.

• Take a moment and objectively think about your behaviour. Have you stopped doing the little things that you normally would do? Decide to re-implement them regardless of his/her attitude right now.  And remember that those “little things” are actually large, important things in a loving relationship.

And now, to give you a bit of encouragement, I am going to imbed the Faith video. Because we all need a little bit of faith. And because George really is hot.

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