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Posts tagged: wife
3 Ways to Help Your Wife Orgasm
In this short Q&A, Eryn-Faye, Canada’s Passion Coach, answers an audience member’s question about how to help your wife orgasm.
Download this file as a .mov file for your Quick Time player OR as a .m4v file for your ipod OR as a .mp3 file to listen to the audio on itunes
Top Ten Technology Flirts
Yesterday was a crazy day. You know the type where you have to carry a colour-coded schedule just to make it through the day without doing something foolish like, well, forgetting your kid at school??? (Don’t laugh too hard. We did that earlier this week) It was bonkers. Eric and I were flying in different directions, Riley had places to be and needs to be met. We ended the day flopped on the bed together, eating pizza and watching a kid’s movie about enchanted princesses and undying love.
After we put Riley to bed, Eric and I ventured downstairs with ambitious plans to work some more. This is one of the significant pitfalls of working from home. The lines between work and home life get completely blurred and it becomes exceedingly easy to work all the time. There is no such thing as a 9-5 work schedule. That could be a blog post in and of its own!
But on this occasion, we were just too tired to work. Instead, we ended up sitting right next to each other with our computers out. Then we found each other on Facebook. And we starting flirting. Outrageously. Which led to hearty laughter. Then our friends and family started to chime in on the discussion and we giggled even more. At last count, we were up to 32 comments and one “like”. I’m not sure what the record for comments on Facebook is – I am sure that we fell far short of that record – but that was a lot for us!
This interaction led me to think: who is your spouse flirting with on Facebook today? If it’s not you, there is a problem. This is a skill set you might want to pick up.
Realizing that this is a significant issue, I consulted one of my techy guru friends for his hottest tips on ways to use technology to flirt with your spouse. Around here we call him JDog. I think you’ll find him to be as refreshing and enlightening as we do.
J-Dog’s Top Ten List:
J-Dog’s Note: Ok, so Eryn-Faye asked me to come up with ten ways to flirt using technology, and I thought, “Oh, that’s easy!” Turns out that with the steady march of this thing we call ‘convergence’, the lines between various technologies are becoming less and less clear. Some of these suggestions will obviously cross over to others, and some won’t as much. The one commonality should be creativity – as long as you can think of something fun and creative to say to your lover, the technology can help you convey that message. I managed to come up with ten, although the last one is illegal, so don’t do it, ok?
Also, I’ll add the standard disclaimer that I’m a guy, and in spite my attempt to balance this with tips for both sexes, my own biases will show. Whatever.
1. Texting. Most people have mobile phones these days, and many couples each have their own. Texting is usually free, especially between family members (check your rate plan before going crazy with the texts, though!). Send your spouse a short, badly-spelled note informing them of just how hot you think they are. If you’re female, include details about your underwear. While this is quite effective if they are at work, it can be even more fun to do when you’re in the same room as each other. It’s a very good way to build the sexual tension between you when you’re at a party, for example.
A sub-genre of this is known as ‘sexting’, and is generally more risqué (and risky!) and involves sending sexy photos of yourself to your spouse’s cellphone or email. A couple things to keep in mind if you want to try this are that you shouldn’t be stupid and include pictures of your face, because it’s pretty much guaranteed these pictures will not remain entirely private (especially if the recipient is a guy!). Also, be very careful when selecting the recipient from your address book, as a slip of the finger on that tiny keypad means the wrong person gets to see your naughty bits! Again, check your rate plan to make sure it’s not going to bankrupt you to send that picture.
If you don’t have a mobile to send text from, most carriers allow you to send texts from their website, or via email. For example, for Telus Mobility customers, you’d send an email to tendigitmobilenumber@msg.telus.com. Check your carrier’s website for details on how to do this.
2. Skype. This would include other kinds of real-time text chat as well, such as MSN, Yahoo! Chat, or Google Chat. Whatever network you both use, put it to good use by turning up the heat now and then. If you are apart from each other during the day, try to get online at the same time now and then, and just talk about how much you love each other, or how much you miss them. Tell him about your underwear. If your network of choice supports video, use it! It’s amazing what a turn on it is just to see your lover’s face while you talk to them. And if you have the opportunity, live video can spice things up in other ways too!
3. Music. It’s long been known that music is a great way to romance a woman. Dudes, fire up iTunes and buy her a gift card or use the Gift This function to send a specific song directly to her inbox. Browse the Latin and Jazz genres, or find a new mix of one of your old favourites. Girls, just send him a song about underwear. There’s lots on there, trust me.
4. Twitter. You can say a lot in 140 characters or less. Tweet about your lover. Let your followers know how much you appreciate them. Just for fun, start a hashtag with their name, and use it lots. And use the private message capabilities to add some spice!
5. Facebook. Eryn-Faye mentioned this one in her post, and I have to say it was a lot of fun watching that conversation go on! Facebook is a great way to publicly flirt with your lover, and letting your friends inject their own humour into the process can result in some hilarious moments. Use your status updates to brag about how great your spouse is – making oblique references to their sexual prowess not only tells them you think they are ‘all that’, but it is a great self esteem booster to have one’s praises sung in public. Doesn’t hurt the libido, either – which is what we’re going for here!
6. Telephone. Sure, it’s old-school, but sometimes, it’s just what the doctor ordered. The ability to hear your lover in real-time, with no delays, jitter, or dropped packets can be very refreshing. Call her up and let them know exactly what you’d like to do with her when you get home. Or, call him up and tell him about your underwear.
7. Voicemail. If your lover works in an office, you can call the switchboard and ask the receptionist to transfer you directly to their voicemail, rather than ringing their extension. This way, you can leave them a surprise message – be sure to preface it with “Darling, please make sure your speakerphone is off”!
8. Email. Even those of us without mobile phones have access to email, and this can be put to great use in the flirting game. Guidelines involve not using corporate email accounts for naughty exchanges (get a gmail account – it’s free, already!), and remembering to be careful about sending incriminating photos. Underwear shots are great, as long as your face isn’t visible.
9. Video. The availability of video recording technology such as camcorders, cell phones, and webcams means that it’s easier than ever to create a visual delight for your lover. This can be a lot of fun, especially because it’s so very ‘naughty’. You know what makes your lover tick, so include those things in your video. As with other forms of electronic flirting, it’s very important that you ensure the privacy of your material: no faces or identifiable markings such as tattoos; don’t use workplace networks to send private files (most log everything, and copies can be made for auditors or investigators upon request); and make sure that your personal computer is secure, both from outside penetration (hur, hur) as well as from family members (especially children, for heaven’s sake!). I would suggest getting PGP encryption keys and using them to lock all your private files.
10. Hack one of those roadside construction signs with the big digital displays. Replace the warning message about the bridge washing out or whatever with something that tells passersby how amazing awesome your lover is. You have fewer characters than Twitter, here – so use shorthand! And wear gloves so you don’t leave fingerprints, ok? I’m just sayin’…
As with all types of flirting, it’s important to remember that the most effective methods will employ your lover’s Love Language. Once you have that figured out, technology and gadgets can really help you push those buttons!
Eryn-Faye’s note: Ladies, for what it’s worth, underwear seems to be a consistent theme!
The Body Song
This past week, I had the privilege of introducing my family to Paddy and Carole Ducklow. Back in the 60′s, when my parents left Texas to move up to Canada, Dad met Paddy in graduate school and they began a life-long friendship. My father wrote his first book in the basement of their home. He logged countless hours sitting out on their deck drinking beer and debating life, the universe and everything. Paddy flew to Texas to attend his funeral.
As a child, I have many memories of the Ducklow’s being a part of our lives. Even when the two men were living in different parts of the Lower Mainland, they always stayed connected. And then, several years before our family returned to Texas, they worked together at Burnaby Christian Fellowship. Dad was senior pastor, and Paddy was on staff as the church psychologist who ran a practice in the church.
One of the programs that they collaborated on during this time was a seminar to teach kids and their parents about the concept of “appropriate touch”. The kids and parents were split into different rooms and taught about issues surrounding personal boundaries, safety and communication. I was one of those kids, and my favourite part of the whole seminar was learning the song, My Body by Peter Alsop (which was thereinafter referred to by us simply as “the body song”).
Fast-forward 20+ years. My family is driving to the Ducklow’s house for the first time and I am explaining to my daughter about the importance of this family in my life. Having a vague memory of the body song, I decided that it would be spectacularly impressive if I could teach it to my daughter to sing for Paddy over dinner. Riley was very much into this idea (life is, after all, a musical for her) and enthusiastically embraced the task. The more we sang it, the more furrowed my husband’s brow became. He finally cleared his throat and said, “Uh, honey? I think you are not remembering that song right. I am pretty sure that’s not how it goes.” I pooh-poohed his concerns and, undaunted, Riley and I sang the song a few more times – to ensure that she really knew it.
When we arrived at Ducklow’s, the conversation inevitably turned to the body song. Actually, Eric brought it up because he was so smug in his assumption that I had the words wrong and thought it would be hilarious to see Paddy’s reaction. I was hesitant because I had an ever-growing suspicion that Eric was, unfortunately, right. Eventually, he coaxed Riley and me into singing it together. So, in a vain attempt to prove that I was correct (or more that he was wrong) I belted out with great gusto:
My body’s nobody’s body but mine.
You touch your own body,
Let me touch mine.
There was an eerie silence that fell over the room for what was only a moment but felt like eternity. Then the room erupted! I thought Paddy was going to fall off the couch laughing. He fell to the side and buried his face in a pillow as he howled in laughter. It was suddenly inherently obvious to me that I had turned a song on appropriate touch into one on mutual masturbation.
***Epic FAIL***
Later in the evening, Paddy and Riley went to the computer and drudged up the words to this 1980′s song. Thank goodness for Google!
The true version of the body song can be found here and goes like this:
My body’s nobody’s body but mine.
You run your own body,
Let me run mine.
I will admit that the correct one is a much better version for Riley to be singing out in public. But as I am not one to be easily dismayed, I will brazenly confess that personally prefer my version…even if you’ll never hear me sing it aloud ever again.
So inn the midst of all of this personal humiliation, I figured that I should try to redeem myself by unabashedly sharing the story with everyone and using it as a teaching tool to help parents talk with their children.
Eric, however, is still laughing.
The Freedom of Forgiveness
A number of years ago, my husband went through a certification process on a “relapse prevention” program. He was a fundraiser for a non-profit which worked with addicts breaking their addictions and getting back on their feet. The course wasn’t strictly necessary for his position, but he felt it was important to know what the counselors deal with on a regular basis so that he could more effectively tell their stories to potential funders.
The course was intensive and the participants were required to do homework each night. One evening when he came home, he told me they had gone through the section on forgiveness – an essential section for any addict who wants to truly leave their compulsions behind them and move on. I was intrigued with the conversation until he turned to me and said, “I think we should go through the exercise and talk about your father.”
Oh crap.
In the later years of his life, my father had made some – let’s put it mildly – “poor choices” which had HUGE ramifications for us kids. I had tried to forgive him. I thought I had done a decent job at it.
But here’s the thing about forgiveness: it is a large, ambiguous, and difficult-to-pin-down concept. Sure, we have all heard the quote that refusing to forgive someone is like drinking poison and expecting them to die. But how do you know when you have actually forgiven them? What do you say and do? Can you ever move to the place of having fondness for the person?
Out of sheer love for my husband, I decided to listen to the perspective that he had gained at the course. Michael Dye, the author of the course, had an interesting spin on forgiveness. It wasn’t just a question of what the person did and how you can “let go”, it was an in-depth look at what you had told yourself when you were hurt.
Through my tears, Eric helped me fill out the chart. Here is one example of what I wrote:
Person: My Dad
Offense: He re-married four months after my Mom died.
Judgment: He is selfish and weak, unable to live without a woman.
Vow: I will never need a man like he needed a woman…I won’t be that weak.
Effect on me: Trust issues in my relationship with Eric which have taken years to address properly.
Person’s Debt: He owed me the right to grieve at my own pace – without a step-mother – for at least a year.
There were actually a litany of offenses, but I won’t bore you with all the sordid details. Eric sat next to me on the couch and wouldn’t let me leave until I had put everything on paper. It took hours. At the end of the list, Dye has you verbally articulate a forgiveness statement releasing the person of not only the offense (the typical approach to forgiveness exercises) but also the DEBT that they still owe you. Keep in mind, the debt might not be logical at all. It is your emotional response to the hurt you have experienced. For example, you could be forgiving a parent for being absentee during your childhood. S/he might “owe” you all the time that you lost with them.
It is the DEBT part of this exercise that is profound. Because unless you actually know what you are forgiving a person for – meaning what debt you are releasing them from – it is impossible to forgive them. If you try to address the offense, but never dig deeper to the debt, you will be spinning your wheels.
How does this have anything to do with sex???
Because I meet a significant number of people who have been unable to move past offenses and debts that his/her spouse has inflicted. A lot of these people are still married but can’t figure out why their sex life is tanking. Let me tell you, if you think you can have a thriving sex life when you are holding on to something that your spouse did to you, you are out to lunch. Sex is one of the most intimate ways we express ourselves with our partners, and this expression will be severely curtailed by unforgiveness. It festers and grows until it becomes all encompassing.
Let me tell you what I experienced after I completed the exercise regarding my father. All of a sudden, for the first time in years, I was able to remember the good things he had done for me. It was as if all the unforgiveness had been a cloud that prevented me from seeing him for what he truly was – a man capable of making some very good as well as some very bone-headed decisions. And there is enormous freedom in coming to that place.
One last thought…forgiveness is a unilateral act. You do not need an apology, an acknowledgement or even a public allocution from your spouse or other offenders in order to forgive. My father had been dead for years when Eric and I went through the exercise. It was for me and me alone. And it brought enormous freedom.
Who do you need to forgive in your life?
Don’t forget to vote in our forgiveness poll!!!
Awareness Regarding Sex and Menopause
In this short Q&A, Eryn-Faye, Canada’s Passion Coach, answers an audience member’s question about the major issues regarding sex and menopause.
Download this file as a .mov file for your Quick Time player OR as a .m4v file for your ipod OR as a .mp3 file to listen to the audio on itunes
Simmering Passion
One of the challenges in my business as a Passion Coach is teaching a woman how to make the transition from the roles she plays during the day (mother, sister, daughter, friend, employee, employer) to the role of sexy, passionate wife at night. As women, we pour our energies into the people and tasks around us all day long. Our boss needs something done, and we endeavour to get it done efficiently and with excellence. Our friend calls up sobbing because her teenager is doing drugs, and we listen and empathize. Our coworker is on the verge of having an affair because her home life is boring, predictable and lonely; and we invest time over lunch trying to convince her why this isn’t such a hot idea. And when we return home, our children need us to help with homework, or kiss their boo-boos, or drive them to their game or dance class. Later, we feed, bathe, and tuck them into bed.
And then, tired and worn out, we stumble into the bedroom at night, and there is our dear husband. With that look on his face. And it feels like one more thing we have to check off our “to do” list for the day.
How do we make the transition?
I believe the answer lies not in what happens at the end of the day, but in what we are doing all day long. Sure, we want to be good at our job, be a great friend AND be a Super Mom who engenders the envy of all the other PAC moms. But in attempting to do so, we have trained ourselves to neglect the passionate side of ourselves – the side that actually notices the details of life around us rather than just seeing a blur as we whiz by it. After all, it slows us down and makes us inefficient.
But is it also the side that makes us feel alive.
The best analogy I give to women is that of a pot on the stove. If you want to get it to boiling and the water is cold, it can take some time. However, if the water is already simmering, the pot boils very quickly. So, if you want hot, steamy passion at night, you have to be looking for and cultivating it during the day.
Need some tips and suggestions? Here are a few:
- The science of arousal is all about blood flow into the genital tissues, so do things which increase your blood flow during the day such as:
- Do some cardio exercise. 20 minutes is a good place to start because it is long enough to get your blood flowing, but not so long that it is difficult to fit into your day.
- Eat a healthy diet. Yes, it helps your blood flow as well as your dress size!
- Slow down enough to actually listen to the words of the songs on the radio. Play songs which make you feel passionate, romantic or sexy. Create a “Passion” playlist on your ipod.
- Remember the Four Kisses a Day article? Don’t forget to bring passion to your relationship with your husband during the day. Send him a sexy text message or call just to say, “I love you”. Email him reminding him of your last romantic or steamy time together and tell him how much you appreciate him.
- Pick up an activity which makes you feel passionate and/or sexy. Try an art class, dance class, or even a cooking class (yes, a beautifully prepared meal can be sexy too!).
- Pay attention to the beautiful things in your life. Do you have nature on your way to work which is lovely? Do you need to go to an art museum or pick up a book on classic art? Train yourself to notice, appreciate and be thankful for that beauty.
- Most importantly, take your family on this journey with you. Teach your children to understand passion (albeit in the non-sexual way), so that they will take these lessons into their adult lives. In our family, we do it through dance.
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