First Day of Class

Welcome everyone!  Let’s all find a seat.

Just so you know, as much as possible I am going to try and follow along with the basic structure of elementary school.  I like elementary school because it really does have a little bit of something for everyone.  Research shows that women are more comfortable listening when someone is talking and then having people listen when they talk.  Check.  We get that in elementary school.  Men, on the other hand, generally prefer activities - doing things, making things, building things and knocking them down, physical exertion.  Check.  We get that in elementary school.  We’re going to do a little of all of it.  SO…men be prepared to join the women for the “lecture and discussion” portion of this class, and women be prepared to join the men on the “playground” for some quality “recreation” time.

And speaking of time.  One of elementary school’s strengths is that it is a planned, scheduled and required activity.  Albeit with some bitching and complaining every now and then, kids know that they are in class every Monday to Friday from 8ish to 3ish.  We, however, will not be taking that much of your time.  What we will be doing (and by “we” I mean “y’all”) is committing to spend a certain amount of time every day doing the homework laid out in this course.  It won’t be burdensome I promise.  In fact, I bet you’ll end up really enjoying it.  But, just like a relationship, you will only get out of this what you put into it.  Time matters.  It matters to this exercise, and it matters to your lover.  So if you have not been putting an appropriate amount of time in your relationship of late, here is your chance to start.  Carve out some time for each other - time spent in close proximity to each other! Time with just the two of you.  Find that time!  No kids, no relatives, no buddies, no friends, no extended family.  Just the two of you.  Once the two of you are alone together, we will begin with the basics.

In almost everyone’s life we have had a teacher who, on the first day of school, makes us write an essay on “What I Did This Summer.”  We are supposed to reflect back on the summer and think about our favorite things we did.  (Then they suck the joy out of those events by making us write an essay about them.)  Our first assignment flows from that idea, but no essay!!

I want you to think back to when you two first met.  What were your favorite things you did?  Eric and I used to go eat Mexican food at a place called Tia’s in Arlington, Texas every Thursday night before a college group meeting on campus.  We talked about our lives, learned about each other, told stories about our past and shared dreams of our futures.  Sometimes we would go to DFW airport and park the car right in front of the tarmac and watch the planes land and take off right over our heads.  We’d imagine where they were going and what adventures they were taking and what we’d do if we were going to the same place.  “That plane is going to New York City.  If I were on it, I’d be going to watch musicals on Broadway” or “I’d be going to Yankee Stadium to watch every game of their next home stand.”  And yes, we really were that stereotypical.

What did you do when you first met and started spending time together?  Think about the activities you did, but also think about why you did them.  What drew you to each other?  Was it that intriguing twinkle in his eye that promised adventure?  Was it the lipstick she wore that you just had to kiss?  Was it a shared love for something?  Was it an animal-like attraction that made you just want to eat them up?  There was something that drew you together at the very beginnings.  What was it?  Think about it and then talk about it with each other.  Share those memories.  So many couples tell me, “I don’t know why we don’t do that anymore…I guess we just got too busy.”  Something in those activates drew you together.  Figure it out with each other - you might be surprised what it was for them.  Then, figure out if it is something you can do again.  Make a list of what you used to do, and start doing some of them again.  If it seems awkward at first, it is okay.  Remember that it is an assignment, so you can blame it on that if you need to.  But get out there and start.

Want bonus points?  Recreate your first date and surprise your lover by taking them on your first date all over again.

Ok, ok, I can already hear the grumblings and complaining from the back of the class.  I know there is someone out there who only did those things to impress the girl and had no real interest in actually doing those things or going to those places.  (The same can often be said of the girls too.  Not all of us actually enjoy sitting on the couch all Sunday afternoon watching football and listening to you comment on the game. - Eric, if that sounds awkwardly familiar, I am only saying that to help others out…I really did enjoy that.  No really, I did.  Honest…)

Here’s how to settle that.  I have heard this exercise called many things, but my personal favorite is the “Happy Camper Date”.  The basic premise of this is that one of you gets to pick what YOU want to do on the date.  The other one goes along without a word or look of disdain.  You who are not as ecstatically happy about the event of the evening are going to be a “Happy Camper” no matter what.  If she wants to go to an antique quilting show (and even I would sympathize with you on that) you will go and convince everyone there that you are as pleased a punch to be there.  No one should have an inkling of an idea that you are not as engaged as she is.  Why?  Because it is important to her.  And she is what you are all about that night.  If it makes her happy, then it makes you happy.  Don’t worry - it works both ways.  Next time, when it is your turn to pick and the monster truck rally is in town, guess who is going to be proudly wearing a Grave Digger t-shirt next to you in the arena?

I also know that the next question (because I am going to ignore all those questions about monster trucks and how I even knew the name of one of them) will revolve around kids/money/time.  Some version of “But we can do that because we (a) don’t have the money (b) can’t get/pay for a sitter (c) don’t have schedules that allow for that (d) all of the above - I don’t have time to work extra jobs so that I can make enough money to pay for a sitter for my kids.  For me, this one is all about priorities.  When you commit to the class, you commit to being creative.  Find another couple who will “take the class” with you.  Then you can trade off watching each other’s kids for date night.  No cost option!  As far as time goes…make time!  This is your most important relationship - act like it.  It is a simple matter of priorities.  I am not asking you to commit to going out every night.  Start with once and build from there.  And as far as money goes, do something that doesn’t cost a lot (or anything).  One of the reasons we watched planes come in was because we were in college and cheap.  Other reasons included privacy and unlimited opportunity to make-out, but I digress.

My last strongly worded admonition.  During these times: women - focus on “doing” and men - focus on “talking”.  I realize that neither of you may know how to do either of those things well (or at least at a level of competence that your lover would find fully pleasing).  But that is why it is so important.  We are learning the basics here - practice makes perfect, remember?

From Hardworking Entrepreneur to Sexy Wife

When I was working in Kelowna, I had the pleasure of meeting a delightful couple. The thing about them that I found so attractive was that they were both intent on making their relationship more intimate and fulfilling. Having come from conservative backgrounds wherein sex was simply not discussed, they had never been given much education in ways to make their intimacy grow over the years of their marriage. When I met them, they were very much in love and yet thoroughly ready to try something new to liven up their sex life.

I originally met the wife in the context of a Passion Party. She heard about me from a friend and called me to book an in-home party. The party that she hosted was a thrill for me - the women were highly interactive and asked a lot of questions. This, at the end of the day, is why I continue to do home parties. I have the privilege of being invited into a home to answer questions from a group of women - questions which might be scary or unsafe to ask anywhere else. At my parties, no question is taboo or off limits; however, I do stress with women that they need to be confidential about the stories that their friends tell or questions that they ask in the context of my parties. After this particularly lively party, the women lined up in the hall to put their orders in with me in the private ordering room - a slow process as the ordering room is also the place in which the truly personal questions (and sometimes a box of Kleenex) come out.

When my hostess finally came in to place her order, she gravitated to the bath and body products which contain pheromones. While she threw in a few other items, she stuck mostly to the “safer” items. She shared with me a bit of her conservative background and her desire to move slowly into bedroom accoutrements so that she could first ensure that her husband was on board with her decisions. Since the focus of my business is to help couples deepen their intimacy together, I am always pleased when a woman says to me that she wants to talk to her husband about all the new information that she learned that evening!

As is the nature of in-home parties, I met up with this woman again at another party and I asked her how her aromatherapy products were working out. She lit up like a Christmas tree. She explained that her husband had realized how much she responded to the effect of the pheromones in her new products, and so he had taken to drawing her a bath in the evenings. This was significant to her because she owned a hair salon and she would spend long hours standing during the day. After a particularly long day she would arrive home to a drawn bath full of sensual bath salts and other pampering products. When she emerged from the bathroom she felt rejuvenated and refreshed, ready to be intimate with her husband.

Of course, once he realized that this was an effective way to show his wife love AND help her make the transition from hardworking entrepreneur to sexy wife, he made it a priority that her bath products were fully stocked and her bath was run after a long day.

The last time I saw this couple, I was doing a couple’s party with them and a few other couples. The husband was glowing and couldn’t keep his hands off his wife. They came into the ordering room together and expressed their appreciation. After 14 years of marriage they had found new ways to demonstrate their love to each other and rediscovered a passion in their marriage which had long lay dormant.

And, as my husband likes to say, “If that don’t get you fired up - you’re wood’s wet”.  Of course, he started saying that before I became a Passion Coach and it became a double entendre…

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