Thanksgiving: Act “as if”

As I begin to write this article, George Michael floats into my mind. For the record, I am referring to the sexy, hotter-than-hell George Michael, not the creepy guy who got caught engaging in “lewd acts” in a public bathroom. And, I am sure that most of you are assuming that I am thinking about his song, “I want your sex”. But I am actually reflecting on his song, “Faith”. The tight, ripped jeans were enough to make a woman swoon. But I digress.

Recently, faith has been popping up on my radar screen frequently. I am currently coaching a woman who is separated from her husband but is longing to have him come home. He is taking all sorts of actions which most people would view as intolerable. Most people would recommend that this lady kick her husband to the curb and move on. In fact, her friends are boggled that she is still pursuing reconciliation. But she believes, deep in her heart, that she wants this man despite all the crap. In fact, she believes that they can grow as a couple because of the crap. She believes. She hopes. She has faith.

Faith is believing in things we cannot yet see. Having faith that our spouse will come back home. Believing that our sex life will indeed get better. Believing that marriage does not have to be dull, boring, monotonous. Believing that we can truly have our needs met within the context of this current relationship.

When we “act as if”, we are putting this faith into action. This “act as if” approach to life is echoed in the works of people such as Jack Canfield, Michele Weiner Davis and others. The basic concept is that when we “act as if” everything we want is about to happen has already happened or is in the process of happening, people’s attitudes and actions change around us. Because we are responding differently to the same set of circumstances, they cannot help but respond differently as well.

Think of it like a dance. When my husband and I dance, he makes this move, and I respond with this move. He puts his feet in this place, and I position my feet in this next position. As with partners on the dance floor who have practiced for years, our marriages can run on autopilot. He makes the dinner, and I clean up. He makes the first move in bed, and I respond. I tidy up the house, and he does the yard work. He tells me how beautiful I am and I write notes for him to find around the house. If both parties are happy with this arrangement and it is working for their marriage, then it is a wonderful benefit of being married. Sometimes being on autopilot is efficient - it saves time from negotiating each and every task or interpersonal exchange.

Inevitably though, things change over time. Perhaps a child came along, and so the person in charge of charge of initiating sex rolls over and falls asleep instead. Perhaps a new, more time consuming job comes along and so the house doesn’t get tidied as often. Maybe someone gets sick, and so the dinner routine becomes ordering take out. Sometimes the compliments and little notes become casualties of the immediacy of life. If couples are able to negotiate these changes in life with open communication about their expectations and needs, and find that there is compromise (at the very least) on these expectations and needs, then usually things proceed on well.

However, when couples become disappointed with each other because of lack of or ineffective communication, the dance can change from something that is fun to watch and be a part of, into one which is jarring and uncomfortable. No longer do the steps flow, but now he steps on her foot and she jerks back and he lurches forward to catch her and she moves her feet out of the way to avoid getting stepped on again. And yet, if the couple doesn’t stop and take stock of what is off-course, it is easy to fall into a new, awkward (if not painful) dance pattern.

It might look like this: he doesn’t seem happy anymore so she is cautious when he walks through the door. He sees that she is not exuberant to see him, and so he brushes past her to go see the kids. She feels ignored and so she doesn’t ask him about his day. He feels insignificant so after dinner, he withdraws to watch TV. She follows him into the TV room and complains that he never talks to her anymore. He feels nagged and responds by withdrawing further, maybe even to the guest room for the night. And on and on. Many times we have our own “dances” that we fall into - patterns which are highly predictable when we actually break them down into their individual steps.

The advantage of recognizing these patterns is that it empowers us to do something different. And we don’t both have to recognize the pattern - one of us will do. In fact, one small change in that old familiar pattern can affect a whole new chain of events.

“Acting as if” is a powerful tool in changing the pattern. So, in the example above, what if the wife’s reaction to her husband’s unhappiness had been to greet him at the door with a warm, “welcome home, honey” as if he was walking through the door as happy as could be? Or he had seen her cautious behaviour and gave her a big hug anyways? Either of those actions could have circumvented the other steps which led to his sleeping the guest room. Because when we “act as if” our demeanor, attitude and requests change and this has a domino effect in the lives around us. It is not being inauthentic or untrue to ourselves or play-acting, it is making a choice to see things through the eyes of faith and behave differently as a result.

This Thanksgiving season, what do you want to be thankful for? What do you have faith for? What are you holding on to believing for even though you cannot yet see the results? How can you “act as if” those results are already here?

Here are some ideas on how you can put this into practice:

• Imagine that everything was going the way you wanted it to, think about how would you be acting differently? Then act as if it is.

• Consider your current situation in your relationship.  Ask yourself if your circumstances have this changed how you act/react to him/her?  If the answer is yes, then go back to how you acted/reacted to him/her when things were going well.

• Take a moment and objectively think about your behaviour. Have you stopped doing the little things that you normally would do? Decide to re-implement them regardless of his/her attitude right now.  And remember that those “little things” are actually large, important things in a loving relationship.

And now, to give you a bit of encouragement, I am going to imbed the Faith video. Because we all need a little bit of faith. And because George really is hot.