Thanksgiving: Introduction

My husband and I have a consistent battle in raising our daughter. She is fortunate enough to be raised in a suburban family with access to private school education, dance classes, membership to Science World and a host of other opportunities. The child has never gone without food or shelter or clothing or other basic human needs. And while we wouldn’t even register as a blip on Forbes magazine’s list of the wealthy, when I look at the rest of the world, I cannot help but realize that we are incredibly privileged. And yet, because she has not yet traveled to other parts of the world to get perspective on how most children her age live, my daughter can easily fall into a pattern of complaining about what she doesn’t get.

Marketers are very familiar with this syndrome that Western children have. They call it the “nag factor”. They put down big money on the bet that parents can only handle the whining for so long before they give in and buy the item for their child. Companies now hire psychologists who give advice on how best to lure your child to the product that they offer. Cheryl Idell, an Executive VP for The Nielson Company, claims that a third of purchases for children are made because of this “nag factor”. Think about it. When was the last time your child asked to go out to eat, or for a certain pair of jeans, or even a pack of gum in the grocery store line?

In our family, we have realized that the only way to combat this swell in cultural tide is to pound home the concept of gratefulness. I am not going to intentionally withhold the opportunity for Riley to go to dance, an activity which she loves and offers all sorts of great learnings, but I can help her see that being thankful about this privilege is an essential tenant of being a Frans. As such, when she falls into a pattern of whining, Eric and I give her these instructions:

“Riley, we would love to hear what you have to say. However, for the next hour, every time you open your mouth to start a conversation, you must begin with the sentence, “I am thankful for…” Once you say something - and it can be something as simple as, “I am thankful that it is sunny today” - you can talk with us.”

When we employ this strategy, something interesting happens. Sure, she gets really angry at first. She pouts. She says she can’t find anything to say. But when we do not relent, she begins to talk about what she is grateful for. Usually her first couple of comments are surly. But as she begins to focus on what is good around her, her attitude changes. Life gets brighter and happier. And right before our eyes, our child changes from a sniveling brat into an incredibly pleasant child.

Even as adults, there is something to be said about the practice of actively looking for the things in our lives for which we are thankful. It’s like those optical illusions in which you can see two pictures. Do you see the beautiful young woman or the old hag?

When your spouse walks in the door, who do you see? Do you see someone who is constantly failing to live up to your expectations, or do you see the person who loves you and is doing their best? I believe a lot of what we see in our spouse emanates from our choice. When we adjust our focus to begin looking for the good in our spouse, our attitudes change. And when our attitudes change, this causes a domino reaction which reverberates through the rest of our relationship.

Since it is Thanksgiving this month in Canada (my American readers will just be studying ahead!), I am going to devote the next couple articles on specific strategies that we can employ to see our lover in a new light. Stayed tuned to see what you can learn!